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Monday, September 12, 2011

A Treatise on the Ways to Balance Yourself while You are Not in the Laying Down Position to Rest or Sleep


Balance

Our bodies evolved wrong and our spinal columns are not up to par by any means. That corkscrew of bone, marrow, and sinew has to support all your weight for crying out loud. I like to lie on my back and read or sleep but I have trouble sleeping and I only usually sleep for only 5 hours per cycle. For (24 - 5 = 19) about 19 hours per day you have to cope with your human spine and there are several ways you can balance your frame while you are up and about. The following are the methods of which you can balance yourself while you are not in the resting position which will be noted on a scale of 0 to 100.




Sitting

Cracking your neck ganglion is important
I lot of people speak highly of sitting and a lot of folks work at jobs where they sit all day. Personally, I am not that big on sitting. I have pains in my lower back when I sit for too long, I think it's from doing moving for a number of summers and pulling something of some sort in the lower back region, like a muscle or a wire or a connecting joint in there. When I sit, it's usually to chill, to eat, to drink, or to use the internet and I take breaks from sitting from time to time. If you don't take breaks your legs will atrophe and fall asleep. If your leg(s) succumb to paralysis you should swing your neck from side to side like Roberto Clemente, because all your nerves and ganglions connect in your neck and when you wiggle them around it restores feeling to your paralytic parts.

Sitting is fun sometimes
You must take into account that there are some activities you can do only when you sit. For instance to use a laptop computer you must have a "lap" and thusly you must be in the sitting position. Similarly, to get a lap dance you must also have a "lap" and thusly you must be in the sitting position (and you must have at least 10 dollars).

In most countries (excluding Japan) they use sitting as the standard balance position while taking a number 2 (or a 1 and a 2 if you are female) which is convenient because most toilets were designed to accommodate people who are in the sitting position. Be careful when sitting on public toilets because germs will get into any cuts you have on your butt...other people's poop is the worst thing to get inside your body and you have to avoid this at all times.

 Overall Score: 71 / 100


Kneeling

Try to avoid this...
Kneeling is the poorest option you can use in almost every plausible circumstance. Knees are the bane of the human body, they are just cartilage and cannot sustain any strenuous tasks or damage. I was standing on a chair once and I fell off and my left knee landed on the leg of another chair and it really hurt, and then the very next day I fell off a rolled up 14 foot carpet that I was balancing like a tightrope-walker on and landed on the same knee, and it hurt. Two months later I was running for the city bus and I slipped on some ice and the impact was mainly absorbed by the same left knee in question. Now, when I was younger I thought that I could strengthen the cartilage by repeatedly punching my knees and I thought it worked...but it didn't. You cannot make the cartilage tougher, all you can do is take all precautions to avoid strenuous pressure or direct impact to your knees.
 

Your knees are mainly for running
 A lot of people like to stump up stairs on their knees to show their devotion to their respective deity. This practice is a danger to you, and it is a danger to your knees. Your knees are just a joint that makes your legs bend so you can run and walk...they are not ever meant to be used in balancing your frame while you are not in the restive position. Expert runmen and runwomen never use their knees for anything other than the running, walking, or jogging process.



Pew Kneelers help you kneel.
Kneeling is used often (not by choice) while doing labor where you need to be at ground level but still need the use of your hands for the task you are attempting. For example, if you are changing floor tiles, it is likely that you would have to kneel and put all your stupid weight on your knees in order to accurately place the tile in the right location on the floor. Other "jobs" may also require kneeling but you can always give her a pillow.

Kneeling gets +5 bonus points because it gives some people employment. Manufacturers, repairers, and re-upholsterers of church pew kneelers benefit from kneeling.

Overall Score: 12 / 100


Squatting

Squatting is highly underrated. Like stated above, to use your hands at ground-level you might have to get down on your knees. With squatting you can reach ground level, retain the use of your hands, yet not damage your knees....which is a healthy alternative. 

Japanese toilets
To squat you must have strong haunches and ankles. Some people can squat with their feet completely on the ground while others squat on their toes and their heels stick up in the back...either way is okay.

In the Sitting section I mentioned that Japan does not have toilets that are convenient for sitting on, in its stead they have toilets designed for the squatting position. If you are in Japan you must be able to squat or you will have immense difficulty evacuating your bowels. The street toughs and common thugs in Japan also squat (even when not taking dumps). They squat to look tough so watch out if you see anyone squat in Japan because they are either going to evacuate a meat loaf or try and rob your traveler's cheques.

The only job I can think of which asks you to squat for extended periods of time is a baseball catcher. Catchers, such as Ron Karkovice pictured to the left, may be asked to squat for upwards of 5 to 30 minutes per half inning of play (9 or more innings * ~15 min. = ~135 minutes per baseball game).

To build ankle/haunches/calf muscles you should squat with weights or give piggy back rides to friendly people in your neighborhood.

Overall Score: 31 / 100



Standing Up
The human spine whilst in the upright position

I'm sure everyone is familiar with standing up because you do it often. People who work all day while standing in the same position (i.e. assembly line, etc.) should put a rubber mat under where they work to cushion the impact of the small movements your lower body makes throughout the day, you'd be surprised how much stress standing in the same spot puts on your bones and spine...and only employers who are cheap fucking assholes will not buy those fucking rubber mats. 


You should take time as often as possible to stretch your joints throughout the day and to crack and throw your neck around from side-to-side like Clemente or even press your palm or knuckle into the side of your neck (like Bruce Lee or Piccolo off of Dragon Balls does) until you hear that satisfying cracking sound to ensure optimum flexibility and elasticity of your neck's ganglion.

Standing is boring.
Overall Score: 33 / 100



Standing While on a Non-Flat Surface with an Inclined Angle

Oblique angles are pretty good.
This is hard. You will encounter this often if you are a mountain climber, a roofer, or someone who climbs up roofs at night to look at the world from different oblique angles. Looking at things you see at ground level all day from an alternate oblique angle is a great and fulfilling human activity but you must always exercise caution and safety while standing on angled surfaces (especially at great heights).

To stand on non-flat surfaces properly you must proportion the gravity and the angle with your body and be aware of what angle your body is on and mentally re-proportion yourself while you go up or down the incline or stand at different degrees on the angle. You must also remember to wear shoes which have soles with a good grip, or even take a staple gun and go inside your shoes and shoot staples through the inside of your shoe so the prongs of the staples stick out the soles of your shoes (but the latter is not necessarily unless the roof is really icy).

Overall Score: 57 / 100

Leaning on Something

Leaning on something is hands down the best method of balancing yourself while not laying down. What you are doing is standing but putting the gravity, and thusly the work, onto an inanimate object. The beauty of leaning on something is that you can lean on just about anything. For example, if you cannot find a seat on the bus you should lean on anything that is not a person.

"malacca" is Greek for "a nice guy."
A lot of old folks and flamboyant street hustlers these days carry an object around with them so they are never without something to lean on. These objects are "walkers" or "canes", which can differ in style from malacca to pimp varieties. They work as a third leg which offers you more resistance against the horrible force of gravity which pulls you towards the center of the earth as our planet shoots through space on an constant axis at nose bleed speed. You must fight gravity at all times while you are not in the standard resting position and tools such as these are valuable in this never ending battle between matter and anti-matter.


Leanin'
The best thing about leaning is that you look cool while you do it. Take the photo to our left of the Ramone brothers standing in their leathers up against a wall. They are battling the evil forces of gravity effortlessly thanks to the wall, yet they remain looking bad and tough in case a group of chicks walks by. 

The only downside to leaning is that some objects are dangerous to lean on. If you are on a hotel sky rise suite and are out on the balcony frying up some weenies you should inspect the guard rails prior to leaning on them.

Overall Score: 91 / 100



Conclusion:

Gravity keeps us stuck on our space rock as it hurdles through the universe, which is great, but it also keeps us down and we must counter act it by any means necessary. The best and most stylin' way (hands down) to deal with gravity is to lean on something. 

What should you lean on? Well, If you are an inner-city youth you should lean on J.L. Clark, if you are not strong then you should lean on Bill Withers. All in all, if you should find yourself feeling pain or spinal stress while up and about during your daily tasks just look to your left or right and I bet there will be an adequate object to lean on. 

....oh and remember to alternate your lead leanin' foot at times. Most people focus most of their weight on one foot while leanin'...but you must alternate your lead leanin' foot!

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