Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Video Games that were Supposed to Exist but Don't....but Should (you know what I mean?)

There's things you hap upon on the internet at times that appear to be too hot to handle. Things that appear so hot it's like the sun bled them out.


My goodness. What is this? An adventure style video game set during "the hottest day of the year" starring Rudy Ray Moore, Timothy Leary, Ivan Stang, Mark Mothersbaugh, and hot chicks.

It looks like they took the Towering Inferno, the Disco Godfather, the Bad Day on the Midway, through in some strippers, aliens, and zombies...liquified it in a blender, filled a hypodermic needle with the liquid, injected it directly into their eyeballs...and then made a video game.


Where do I buy this? Nowhere. Even if you get a 3DO emulator and scour the entire internet for the ROM you will never ever be able to play this game. It seems to exist but it doesn't. It's just a shadow of reality, it is there yet not even freakin' there.

Damn it, why aren't people making stuff like this? What's going on with the video game industry? Some companies are churning out the new seasons of the sports games which are the same exact game they released the year before except the title has incremented by one numeric unit. Other companies are making the lamest emo garbage that can only appeal to girls who want to suck off shirtless vampires. While other companies are making games for young teenage psychopaths who want to join the army and kill people, letting them live out their deranged fantasies of shooting up their school. Damn it, damn it, damn it...why don't these effin' companies put some damn WEIGHT ON IT!

If I was running the video game industry I would change a lot of shit. I would get all those companies mentioned above together and go..."Hey, did any one of you dumbasses realize that no one has ever made a Dolemite video game? Do you realize that Rudy Ray Moore died four years ago...and none of you have honored him buy making a Dolemite video game? Can all of you please stop making garbage and put some god damn WEIGHT ON IT!?"
Your weight? PUT IT ON IT!

Those jabronies at EA should stop production of Madden '13 and get on making Dolemite '76. Those complete weirdos at Squaresoft should scrap the concept art for their next androgynous protagonist and get Yoshitaka Amano to put some weight on his hand and start drawing Dolemites day and night! Those morons making murder games for troubled youths should allocate all their resources to developing Dolemite Online. 

Now that he's gone, no one can make a video game starring Rudy Ray Moore as Captain Crispy and make him put out the great Chicago Fire whilst fending off aliens, zombies, hot womens, and government conspiracies. And you know what? That's a crime against humanity.

You know who is still alive? Mark Mothersbaugh, and Ivan Stang. It wouldn't hurt to get these two involved in some sort of gamin' project. Mark has already worked on the music of video games such as Crash Bandicoot, Sims 2, and Jak and Dexter. They should give him loads of money to make one (not just the music) and see what they get.

Honorable Mention

This game, Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover Text Adventure, seems to exist. Yet, same as with Duelin' Firemen it really doesn't. Something of this nature should exist by all means, and it is a shame that it is a just a hypothetical concept of a video game.

Lo! Luck would have it in this case, that someone noticed that this should exist and took it upon themselves to make it so for the benefit of humanity (which is the only right and sane thing to do when a situation of this nature presents itself).

You can download for free and play Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover Text Adventure, and if you manage to finish the game you will be pleasantly surprised with how cool the ending is. (Download: Click Here)

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