Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Internet Comedy Awards: Category...Lifetime Achievement in the Field of Internet Comedy

what's the deal?
What's the deal with award shows? Who watches them? A ward? What is a ward anyway? What's the deeeeeeeeal with a wards?

There's a news story going around that some award show is making "history" because it has nominated a non-mainstream internet show for an award...and this is somehow alarming news.

The show in question is Kevin Spacey's "House of Cards" program.

Story: Emmy History

History? Give me a break. This is supposed to be a huge deal because this show isn't technically on a corporate owned network? It's on Netflix which is a pretty big media company and apparently the show's budget is well over 4 million dollars per episode.

Source on budget: Variety

The headlines of "networkless internet underdog gets nominated against all odds" are stupid. This is by no stretch of the word a product of the Internet that I know and love. When I saw those headlines for "emmy history" I was thinking some kid on youtube was getting the Best Actor Emmy or something. I thought I was gonna read an article about how Jan Terri was getting an Oscar or something crazy like that.

Kevin Spacey's 4 million dollar per episode Netflix show getting nominated is "history"? I don't think so, pal.

Man. What's the serious deal? What is the actual deal?

The Internet is the best humor generating mechanism in history...and yet there's no million dollar galas to recognize and adorn awards to the deserving internet folk who created said comedy.

I'm gonna use this as an excuse to write about the Yore-Days of the internet again. I wrote an article about the olden times of Internet Comedy once before...

Here: Dear Internet

...and I feel like thinking about the year 1996 again anyway. So gear up for the first and last,

Category: Lifetime Achievement in the Face of Internet Comedy (the accepting of and meeting of challenges in Internet Comedy and thriving in the face of it despite all the nay-sayers)

The following three nominees are each considered trail blazers in the face of internet comedy and all in which that field entails. To be considered a trail blazer you must have...

A) Been active on the Internet at the turn of the new millennium. You must have been banging out comedy in the early two thousands. Maybe you were funny on the net in like 2004 but you can't be considered a "Trail Blazer" in the regard. The year 2003 is the cut-off point.

B) You must have been funny. If the site wasn't funny then it does not meet the necessary criteria and cannot be adorned an award for bein' funny.

C) Transmissions of this comedy were received by audiences through the Internet. This excludes radio, television, morse code, and all other non-internet transmission from being accepted in the nominations.

And the nominees are...

Robert Hamburger

...for his brilliant performance in http://www.realultimatepower.net/

It has always been cool and fun to act like a 12 year old hyper-active child on the internet. Once your behind a screen no one wants to act like themselves. Going on a dating site for example and chatting to possible mates in the style of a 12 year old immature moron is far more entertaining than actually talking to women about the stupid shit they want to talk about. I'm so immature on dating sites that my lifespan on them is like 4 days before being kicked off.

If you want to get really historical, people have been acting like this even back on Usenet. Joe Talmadge (author of the iconic 1987 classical piece "The Flamer's Bible") donned a character named "Biff" to annoy usenet users by acting like an immature tween.

Another good example of the 12 year old character is the loveable Jeff K. from Jeff K.'s Homepage or the highly immature Miguel from Fat Chicks in Party Hats.

Rob's older cousin Trey
Yet, Robert Hamburger stands above the rest. When it comes to grown men acting like immature children on the internet...Robert is the quintessential immature child.

Have you ever been passionate about something? Like playing guitar, or drawing art pictures, or something like that? Well, your passion invested into music or art can never in one billion years compare to the passion that Robert Hamburger has in his body and soul for ninjas.

The Robert Hamburger character (and his equally as awesome cousin Trey) were so popular they spawned two best selling books to showcase the writing style of the Hamburgers:

REAL Ultimate Power: http://www.amazon.ca/books/dp/080652569X
Ghost/Aliens: http://www.amazon.ca/dp/0307407306

...and even spawned a pilot for a T.V. show on Comedy Central: http://vimeo.com/26705200

A true Internet Comedian.

Homestar Runner 

...for his brilliant portrayal of Homestarrunner.com on http://www.homestarrunner.com/

On the very day of the new millennium, January 1st of the year 2000, Homestar Runner was unleashed unto the Internet. This cartoon was completely Do-It-Yourself, just two brothers and their love for making funny cartoons, and this love lead to the success of this website.

Leonard Sportsinterviews of the Hartford Chronicle once referred to Homestarrunner.com as...
"The only T.V. show on the internet that gives you that apple pie feeling of being in mom's basement, eating cheerios, and watching good ole television...yet you're not actually watching television. You are actually watching the internet.
Sometimes I pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming. But I'm not. I'm watching a T.V. show on the internet. Can you believe it? What's next? Am I going to be watching a VHS tape on my radio!? Or am I gonna be listening to a CD on my telephone? The future scares me people. What's the deal with the future?"
         - Sportsinterviews, L., Hartford Chronicle, 2001

This show is what an ad exec would say has "mass appeal" and it really did. Parents would watch it with their kids because it was funny to both parties...and not in that way where the parent is making the best out of the situation. It was funny to the parents and they wanted their kids to see it...not the other way around. That's like "super mass appeal" or backward demographic target-market hooking. Wow.

This site also slowly started inching it's way into the "mainstream" so to speak. You'd catch reference to it here and there and then all of a sudden you go to someone's house to drink and they're playing some video game with a colorful guitar and yelling..."TROOOOOGDOOOOOOOOOR!"

Yep, Guitar Hero which sold millions of copies bought the rights to the Trogdor song and let people rock out to it in their living rooms.

Homestarrunner.com, a piece of internet history.

Sean Baby

For his masterful rendition of Sean Baby in http://www.seanbaby.com/

Left: T, Right: S. Baby
Forget the two thousands, this guy's been around since the 90s. He was writing things on the internet back in the days when it was called "writing things on the internet" which is a long fucking time ago.

Now a days, they got all these cute little pet words for it..."blogging" or "tumblarring" or "tweeting."
In the old days if someone made a website or put something on Geocities...no one ever called it "URL-ing" or "geo-sitting"...because back then people weren't horrible.

Mr. Baby's writing style would be in the area of satire with a heavy dose of non-sequiturs. But don't let that word "non-sequitur" lead you to believe that he wrote silliness and total nonsense. He had a point to get across in his articles, his non-sequiturs were used sparingly and for the most part in examples. His articles were very thought out and well written and the non-sequitors were used as a sort of spice to flavor the heck outta a paragraph.

Excerpt from "Why We are Sarcastic":
"Let's assume only half the people on the planet were stupid at one time. The nonstupid married, then had a kid or two, raised them like Dr. Spock told them to, and worked hard to put them through college. In contrast, the stupids had a kid or two, then got married, had a few more kids, found out about a couple more on a TV talk show, and worked hard to save money to hit the lottery to put their kids through a plate glass window after they got fired from the cannery.

In a few generations, the nonstupid will have been bred to extinction. So don't blame your friend for giving you obvious advice. The guy he had over yesterday didn't know how the soap dispenser worked, had to chew it open with his teeth, and knocked himself out because you never told him there was no diving in the bathtub. Everyone wants to get treated like they're a genius, but the fact is, we can't afford the risk. You might look smart enough to hide the rat poison from your children, but there are others who are smart enough to know that if you don't get specific instructions for everything you do, it can cost them hundreds of millions of dollars when your kid makes a pesticide milkshake."
-Baby, S., Why We are Sarcastic
The statement "putting the kids through a plate glass window after they got fired from the cannery", is indeed a quite non sequential thought...and it is funny...but it is used to show how dumb a "stupid" is, so like stated above, the non-sequiturs are just used in examples to prove a point. In the Seanbaby writing style, the example portion of the paragraph is where your imagination gets a chance to do it's thing.

For example, I will try to now emulate and use the Seanbaby style in a paragraph to show you readers how to properly invoke the Seanbaby technique. My topic for this example will be the lame comedy styling of Jerry Seinfeld and I will try to prove that Jerry Seinfeld is lame. I will attempt to use an example which comes out of nowhere and is highly graphic in hopes of flavoring up the paragraph and convince you that Seinfeld is lame...ok...here goes...

"Jerry Seinfeld has a routine where he talks about how hard it is to open a bag of peanuts. This is supposed to make someone laugh? The difficulty of opening a bag of peanuts can make an audience laugh, what the fuck? The only way an audience of people could laugh at this joke is if Jerry Seinfeld took out his little cock and personally raped each audience member in the ear hole, slammed his dick against their brain until they were rendered certifiably mentally retarded, then got back on stage and told this joke"
 -Me (invoking the Seanbaby writing style)
The example is out-of-nowhere and graphic, but it really does help to illustrate the point that I'm trying to make. This is a pretty handy technique for essay writing, I must say.

Seanbaby now has his articles published in Cracked.com, where his musings receive millions of readers. As far as trail blazers go, I will say this, there is not ONE person who writes articles for cracked who has not been influenced by Seanbaby...and if they say otherwise...they are lying.

A true internet trail blazer...

Now the moment we've all been waiting for...Mr. Seinfeld if you will, who is the 2013 Internet Comedy Lifetime Achievement Award Winner!?


You heard it right here Gorilla Monsoooon! It's History in the making! History in the making! Kevin Spacey's House of Cards wasn't even nominated for this Internet Comedy Achievement Award and it still made history! I can't believe my eyes Gorrilla Monsoon! I can't believe them! Who would have thought!? The come-from-behind underdog, the House of Cards, is the champion! It's Emmy History right before your very eyes! Cinderella Story! Cinderella Story if I've ever seen one!

...a 4.5 million dollar per episode...Cinderalla Story.

.....Gorilla Monsoooooon!

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