Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Fuck Star Wars, man.

I think something is seriously wrong with Star Wars, dude.

The original 1970s Star Wars were really cool. It had a very simple story of romantic good versus evil. The studio de-retarded a lot of Lucas's bullcrap ideas (for instance Han Solo was a FROG in Lucas's original version) and it was loved by millions.

Star Warz!!!!
The second generation trilogy was awful. From pointless political plots no one cared about to an overtly racistly depicted character that no one liked (jar-jar). The second trilogy was hated by millions and for good reasons...it really sucked and was terrible.

Now they are going back to the basic formula and trying to make Star Wars cool and not retarded again. Lucas is 100% out of the equation and they have a blank non-retarded sheet of paper to work with.

It looks like it's gonna suck though. Apparently Harrison Ford broke his legs and his screen time is being replaced by Tom Cruise. That is the worst entertainment news in decades, hands down. Tom Cruise? He's like the worst person ever.

I know it's rude to say, "I told you so" but awhile ago I warned Disney about making Harrison Ford do unnecessary stunts in the new Star Warses. 

-Me, April 15 of 2013


Man, it looks like the new ones might even be WORSE than the garbage Phantom Menaces sequels they made.

The plot is gonna be so convoluted and stupid, I bet. There's gonna be so many political factions to mix everyone up. The old actors are gonna be all old. Tom Cruise is gonna be eating bugs or scientologing around like an idiot, or shoving twigs n' needles in his winky-hole or whatever the fuck that retard does.

Fuck man, I wish I could write the new Star Warz movie. That would be coooool. I'd make it rule. I'd give the old actors dignified non-action roles that make them look respectable and cool. My version would work, man, it really would.

Hypothetical Version of the New Star Wars that WOULDN'T BE DUMB

Okay so, last time we left our heroes from the seventies Star Wars...they had killed James Earl Jones and the Emperor guy and were getting drunk, looking at ghosts, and being very happy. So for the reboot they have to de-happy the "happily ever after ending" to continue the adventure.

De-Happyfying Event: After overthrowing the evil Empire and attempting to govern a new era of prosperity....sadly, a type of "meet the new boss - same as the old boss" situation starts to form. The new government becomes as corrupt and power-hungry as the old government. Carrie Fischer and Mark Hamil have gotten so used to being regarded as heroes that they can't even see the corrupt ways of the new regime. They felt that once the Empire was defeated that all would be rosy and they mainly now just spend their days drinking tea and being proud of themselves.

Sitting on your laurels sucks and is vain.

Where's Harrison Ford during all this? After knocking up Leia with like 1 or 2 kids he gets bored of married life and says..."Okay fuck this shit...I'm going on some adventure...BYE" and he ditches his family and calls Chewbacca on the phone and is all like "Yo Chewie, let's dust off the Falcon and go smuggle some space drugs into the stripper planet of the Z-Sector-Star-Way-Galaxy and drink space-beer and get fucked up" and Chewey is all down for it and ditches his own wookie family to go back on more space adventures.

Great Schism 1: The first main conflict should involve Billy Dee Williams. He should be at his cloud planet chilling when someone tells him that a tax collector from the New Liberation Regime has increased his space-energy tax rate by 35% and he owes the new government like a shit ton of space-bucks.

Billy Dee Williams then gets all pissed and is like..."Oh ya? Haha. Meet the new boss!? Same as the old boss! Fuck the New Liberation Regime! I'm not giving them shit!"

The silver-tongued poisonous and slanderous tax collectin' official returns and informs Leia and all the other bigwigs in the new government that Billy Dee has turned traitor. They believe this horrible cretin's outright lies and Leia declares war on the Cloud Planet and Billy Dee.

Mark Hammill is now like a Yoda type and he dispatches his rookie Jedis to fuck with Billy Dee's planet but he is always shown to be wary of this and constantly wonders why Bill Dee Williams turned traitor (yet Hamill never comes to the realization that the new Regime they ushered in has turned evil and Billy Dee is actually the good guy in this movie at this juncture...Why can't he come to this obvious realization? Because Hamill has lived too many years resting on his laurels).

Great Schism 2: Harrison Ford and his fleet/armada of space smuggling crafts join the war...but on Billy Dee's side! Mark Hamill and Carrie Fischer are all like...."what the fuck? we're your wife and your friend, bro! Why are you fighting against us!? What's your problem? Are you some kind of an asshole or what?"

Friend Versus Friend breaks out all kinds...as Hamill and Ford duel. Hamill does a light saber dance which is exaggerated and silly and Indiana I mean Harrison Ford just shoots him with a lazor and Mark Hamill is all like "Whoa Bro! I was in the middle of doing my ritual jedi-warrior pre-friend-versus-friend light saber tribal war dance! It's indeed on now!!" and he takes a wild light saber slash at Harrison Ford but Billy Dee Williams jumps in front of Harrison and takes the death blow.

Whoa.

Yeah, Billy Dee Williams is DEAD...what the fuck!? At that moment both Hamill and Ford cry real manly tears and hug. Ford is like..."Bro, can't you see what the New Regime has become? It's so fucked up and evil....are you blind or what?" and Hamil is all like...."I have to see for myself..."

Act 3: Mark Hamill and Carrie Fischer disguise themselves in tattered robes and go to an impoverished planet and live first hand the conditions the common space dweller lives under. They realize that the world still sucks and that they have to Re-Revolt and Re-Re-Throw out the government who has now become as bad as the old Darth Vader one.

Hamill agrees to join Ford and lend the Jedi's army of hundreds of Jedis to Ford's gang of space smugglers to overthrow the government...but Carries Fischer won't work with Ford because she's so mad he ditched her and the kids to go on adventures.

Reconciliation in Act 4: Harrison Ford TOTALLY saves Carrie Fischer and his kids lifes in the ultimate display of self sacrifice that even makes Billy Dee's self sacrifice pale in comparison...like he takes a huge freeze ray or a big fire cannon or some space bullshit that was aimed at them. Carrie forgives Harrison and totally starts making out with him...but then he dies in her arms.

All the audience gets really sad now...in the theater women AND even men will be crying.

Conclusion: Hamill and Fischer make it to the planet where old cool Jedis live in exile and they get them on their side. This includes Yoda's daughter (A FEMALE MUPPET VERSION OF YODA! COOL!), Mace Window's long lost son (who is also played by Samuel L. Jackson), and a cool looking wookie with an eye-patch and a meanstreak. Oh and C3P0 and R2D2 are on this planet as well...just retired and chilling and doing a cameo, you know?

Hamill, Fischer, Mace's son, Yoda's Daughter (who fights with light saber sais), and the eye-patch wookie (who fights with light-saber nunchucks!) kill all the bad guys and then return home to celebrate and drink...

....and they look at ghosts...but this time, you know who's ghosts are there at the end celebration to nod approvingly at them? Harrison Ford's and Billy Dee Williams's ghosts.

Detente: To ensure the government is better this time....Yoda's daughter sets up a cosmic constitution which guarantees civil rights for all people, aliens, wookies, and jawas, and gay aliens, and religious aliens, and atheists aliens, and gay people, and jews, and handicapped aliens, and tranvestite wookies, robots, and gay robots, etc, etc, etc.

THE END


Conclusion

The new Star Wars seems pretty cool. I like the part where Billy Dee Williams takes a light saber for Han Solo and I like the part where the eye-patch mean-streak wookie nunhucks an entire battalion.

It needs some hot chicks too though because Carrie Fischer is old now. Maybe they can do a slave scene with like Nathalie Portman where like she plays the daughter of the lady she played in the crappy Star Wars movies and some big fat smelly alien has Nathalie Portman like in chains and a collar and is slobbering on her and her bikini. That'd work.

This movie is going to be good.

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