The criterion for a human being to be allowed to nominate someone for review by the Nobel Committee is to meet one of the following requirements:
A) Bein' a "member of national assembly and/or government of state"
B) Bein' a "member of international court"
C) Bein' a "University rector; professor of social sciences, history, philosophy, law and theology; director of peace research institute and/or foreign policy institute"
D) Bein' a "Person who has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize"
E) Bein' a "Board member of an organization that has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize"
F) Bein' "Active and former members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee; (proposals by members of the Committee to be submitted no later than at the first meeting of the Committee after February 1)"
G) Bein' a "Former adviser to the Norwegian Nobel Committee
I meet the following requirement: B
In the month of July of 2012, I served on jury duty in the case of Fields, S. vs. Amsterdam, M., thereby (be it bit but a brief moment) acting as a member of an "international court" and thus giving me access to nominate humans to be reviewed by the Nobel Committee in regards to said party being awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.
Before penning my open letter to the Nobel Piece Prize Committee, we shall look at just what the heck the peace prize committee is and we shall also look at the man I wish to nominate. So this is gonna be a pretty clunky article smashed into three parts.
Nobel Peace Prize
A brief tl;dr summation of the history of the Nobel Peace Prize is as follows:
This guy invented dynamite and got very rich, but he hated money so much that he never spent any and as he lay on his death bed he proclaimed to the people watching him die,
"My fortune is yours for the taking, but you'll have to find it first.Millions of able bodied men and women searched Scandinavia for the fabled Nobel Piece. Naysayers thought they were just dreamers and n'er do well adventurers who were searching for something which didn't even exist....but it did. So, yeah. Yet, inside Alfred Nobel's buried treasure was simply a letter which stated,
I left everything I own in Nobel Piece." -Nobel, A.(Dec.10/1886)
"I, the undersigned, Alfred Bernhard Nobel, do hereby, after mature deliberation, declare the following to be my last Will and Testament with respect to such property as may be left by me at the time of my death:
[my] estate shall be dealt with in the following way: the capital, invested in safe securities by my executors, shall constitute a fund, the interest on which shall be annually distributed in the form of prizes to those who, during the preceding year, shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind." -Nobel, A (source)
That's the jist of it.
Everyone knows about it but is it even that important? I mean Albert fuckin' Gore has one of these fuckin' Scandinavian trinkets so how important can it fucking be? Fuckin' Mikhail Gorbachev has one of these chachkies...what's up with that? One year the recipient was "The European Union" not even a human at all. How on earth could Albert Gore have been deserving of an award commemorating the "greatest benefit to mankind" during the 2007 season?
Look, to me it sounds like a stupid little thing but people around the earth take this thingy super cereal. So, as the power invested in me as a member of an "international court" during that one time I jury membered on Fields S. vs. Amsterdam, M. I hereby nominate to be the recipient of the Nobel Prize for Peace...
...The Iron Sheik.
A man who's name precedes him and needs no introduction of any kind. Everyone knows the Sheik, he's a living Legend, a living Champion, a living The Real. Like a Michael Jordan, or like a Muhammad Ali, he's a man who's kind is born only every five hundred years.
The Sheik's selfless acts of altruism make him the most deserving human being ever to awarded one of these Nobel Peace Prizes. Why? Firstly, some historically significant set-up is in order...
Back in the olden times, wrestling wasn't a monopoly, instead it operated in scattered factions who claimed "territories" under their respective promotional banners. There was Memphis Wrestling featuring Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman for example amongst many many other regions.
Eventually one regional promotion would grow so powerful that they monopolized wrestling promotion and that company was the WWF (now the WWE). How did they get so powerfully popular? So popular that they were able to unify the country under one single wrestling promotion? "Hulkamania" happened...
As everyone knows for every hero there must be a villain and Hulk Hogan's explosion into Hulkamania was heavily due to the Iron Sheik. The Sheik represented the evil foreigner who defeated the 60/70s America-Boy babyface Bob Backlund and was the most hated man in America while holding the title...and it was the hollywood blonde 80s baby-face Hulk Hogan who who took the belt back from the great Sheik which launched Hogan like offa spring board into Super Stardom.
Remember this is before the monopolization of wrestling promotion and other regions were jealous of this brazen Hulk Hogan who they viewed as a body builder who didn't know a thing about fake wrestling. Many don't know that the Iron Sheik had an offer on the table from Verne Gagne in Minnesota to literally break Hulk Hogans legs as the ultimate insult to this hollywood blonde body-building jabroni. In fact, Gagne offered the Sheik hundreds of thousands of real dollars to break his jabroni-ass legs.
|Nobel Peace Prize? None more deserving than he.|
Under those circumstances, breaking Hulk Hogan's hollywood blonde jabroni legs was obviously the most beneficial choice for him. In the present we can look to the past and see that he did not chose to do what 99.9999% of us would have done in his shoes...no, no...he chose to spare Hulk Hogan's legs and lose the fake wrestling match like he was paid to do. Why? Because he's a man of his word, he would never double cross anyone...he has a heart of the purest of gold.
With the act of choosing not to smash Hulk Hogan's leg bones into millions and millions of pieces, the Iron Sheik displayed a level of humanitarian kindness and goodwill that I believe blows all other acts of humanitarian kindness out of the water. If you could condense kindness into some sort of sap-like substance (you know like maple sap in maple trees) I bet the Iron Sheik's heart would be figuratively oozing with Kindness Sap. It's unreal how he put others before himself in that situation, and for that I believe there has never been a human more deserving of a Swedish award that commemorates goodwill.
The Official Letter
The following is a transcript of the notarized letter sent to the Nobel Peace Prize Committee by yours truly,
"The Norwegian Nobel Committee
Henrik Ibsens gate 51
0255 Oslo, NORWAY
Dear Noble Peace Prize Committee,
Attn: Peace Division
I hereby, under the authority of acting on the jury of the legendary case of Fields, S. vs. Amsterdam, M., and thereby a member of an "international court" (i.e. a court in a nation somewhere on earth at any given time), nominate one Khosrow Vaziri AKA "The Iron Sheik" to be this or next year's Noble Peace Prize recipient.
I nominate him under the merits of that time back in 1984 that, under the guidance of his heart made of gold-like sap, he refrained from breaking one Terry Gene Bollea AKA "Hulk Hogan's" fucking legs at the Madison Square Garden in front of like a hundred thousand people.
This act of humanitarian courage should heretofore be recognized by your organization, the King of Sweden and/or the King of Norway and/or the King of Finland, and/or the Bernadotte dynast-kings of yesteryear (retro-active). If you leave this man's merits unrecognized you risk a great deal of international shame to your organization as many will question if you know what the heck you guys are doing over there.
Deric W. Brazill (md)
I threw an "md" on that shit at the end to make it look like I got some smarts, you know? I'm not really one of those.
Anyway, hopefully the Sheik gets a Nobel prize this year or next because he's obviously super-deserving of one of those things.
(End Note: This letta is OFFICIAL meaning if they fail to respond to an OFFICIAL letter then they are proclaiming to the world that they a bunch of friggin' jabronies those Scandinavians.)