Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Kookery Gone too Far: When the Insanity Isn't Funny Anymore...

I've wrote a lot of about "kooks" and people on the "fringe" in this blog,

1. In Defense of Human Kookery (I liked this one but it never got many hits at all)
2. Rating some Kook Shows
3. On my Favoritest Kook of all...Wiley Brooks

I actually really like Kooks in many ways. Sometimes in the flurry of insanity found in a 10,000 word manuscript of restless nonsense a couple of ideas might pop up that are pretty interesting (though 99/100 of the ideas of a kook-a-script are gonna be insane). Even the worst kooks have high comedic value so even to the craziest ones have a silver lining in the fact that you can laugh at how nuts they are.

I have a real cut-off point drawn in the sand while reading kook writings though. When I come across something which meets this cut-off criteria the kookery in question ceases to be amusing. What is this point of no return that separates a human's whacky beliefs from being amusing to being not amusing?

The line is drawn when the person or group in question tells their readers to cause harm to themselves or others...that's where the line is drawn. That's when the text/article/book/etc stops being funny.

In the case of Wiley Brooks, I think he lost a lot of his humor when he wrote an article telling his followers (I hope he doesn't actually have any I really do) to light themselves on fire to train to enter the 5th dimension....however I still found myself still laughing at it. In my mind, which is infested with rationality, I cannot even fathom a person reading that article and actually lighting themselves on fire in the hopes of turning their blood into "gold plasma liquid light." I can't even imagine a person actually trying breatharinism...I didn't believe anyone could be dumb enough to believe that's possible.

Then you come across articles like this: (http://www.theguardian.com/world/1999/sep/28/millennium.uk)

In "Let Them Eat Air" the Guardian reports,

"...[Death resulting from] complete abstention from food and drink. If that is what happened, she will not have been breatharianism's first casualty. Last summer Lani Morris, a 33-year-old Australian, died in a Brisbane hospital after following the regime. It has also been linked to the death in 1997 of Munich kindergarten teacher Timo Degen, who was 31."

-The Guardian, Sept. 1999

Let's see here, at least 3 people have died from believing they could live without food or water. I have to re-align my thoughts now. I have to throw away the belief I have that "no one is stupid enough to try this shit."

It's a shame because that fact makes Wiley's kookery less humorous. Breatherianism has crossed the line from being hilarious to being dangerous. By telling people to not eat or drink water in order to be healthy you are causing harm to your readers/followers....and that's the line that when it's crossed the humor is lost.

This extends to all beliefs too from religious, to nationalistic, to sports rivalries.

Is religion cool? Yeah, but not when religious leaders tell you to harm yourself or others. When a crusade, jihad, or wild jewbaree breaks out...then your beliefs have crossed the line into dangerous and violent territory.

Is nationalism cool? Yeah, but not when you love your "country" so much that you villify and attack people from other "countries" then your belief has crossed the line into the danger zone.

Are sports rivalries cool? Yeah, but not when a Giants fan and a Dodgers fan get into such a fervor over their sports beliefs that they take out knives and have a nasty knife fight that leaves one man dead...then it's just silly and fucking crazy.

(see: http://www.mercurynews.com/crime-courts/ci_25397362/giants-fan-cleared-dodger-fans-fatal-stabbing-da)


Is the Organic Food Movement Going Past the Breakin' Point and Crossin' da friggin' Line?

It's "aura" is very "positive"
The organic/natural food kooks are usually pretty cute and funny. It's those people who think the path to happiness is to not vaccinate their kids and to only eat quinoa grown from the bottom of the ocean where obviously the dihydrogen monoxide toxin levels are not powerful enough to give the quinoa a negative aura.

The fact that they are not vaccinating their kids and are thus letting polio, measles, and a myriad of other easily preventable diseases find their way back to regions where they were eliminated...means they already crossed the line of not harming themselves or others a LONG TIME AGO.

Now it's a like a big limbo game for the orgies/naturoes. The question now is how low can they go? How far past the line of rational thinking can they get to?

The big 3 bozos in the orgy/naturo movement are Joey Mercola, Mehmie Oz, and a young man who goes by the monicker of Mike Adams. Recently the latter of the trio wrote a kook piece so crazy that the organic/naturo movement cannot even see the damned line anymore.

Exhibit A (published on July 21, 2014): "Biotech genocide, Monsanto collaborators and the Nazi legacy of 'science' as justification for murder"

(note: the article in question is being edited almost every hour though archived versions of it at every stage are available at www.archive.org or similarly by using Google Cache). 


In this close to unreadable article, this Mike Adams character, who's crazy site I might remind you gets about 8 million unique hits per month, says anyone who criticizes him is a "nazi collaborator" who should be MURDERED by the followers of the organic movement.

This article is atrociously odd. It has dozens of pictures of Hitler and swastikas, it has a fucking picture of "roundup" insecticide next to a photo of dead Jews piled on each other. This is not funny kookery, not in the least. No no no no no. This is a very sick man. Whether he's saying things like this to promote a book he's got coming out or whether he actually believes this stuff, it does not matter, this is a very very sick man.

I don't think many people think using the holocaust is an okay thing to compare bug repellent to. That's not even the craziest part of this kook piece though. This Adams character is telling his whacky followers to "track down" the people who criticize him and literally KILL them. What the fuck? These hippies aren't so fucking cute anymore, wow, they're fucking psychopaths.

I only get a few hits here and there on this here shitty blog but for the record I have criticized the organic/naturo movement here before in an agricultural article...

This one: "Farmin': What's it All About?"

Jeepers creepers you guys, I never in my wildest dreams thought that writing an article making fun of organic farming could get me fucking domed/iced, yo. It's days like this that I'm thankful this blog never got popular...or my damned life might be in fucking jeopardy at this moment. Shiiiiiiii-it.




Even if my dumb blog was popular I wouldn't be scared. What is an army of hippies gonna actually do anyway? If they showed up at someone's house who criticized them (and apparently the homeowner in question deserves death for that)..all you gotta do is throw some fucking bird seed on the ground and when the hippies go to peck at it to their hearts content you just jump in your hotrod and just hit the rocky road to safety, brutha.

Look, I'm not a fan of a big corporation like Monsanto, or Apple, or what have you...I know they have a lot of money and that they push the little guys around and I hate them for that just like you do. I know where to fucking draw the line though. I can't even imagine what the fuck is going on in this Mike Adams character's skull.


What the Fuck is Going On Here?

I have one theory of what da fuq is goin' on here, and to me this is the only logical thing I can arrive at. Then again, I had trouble believing people actually died from trying to eat air...so...I don't know...maybe there is no explanation...maybe Adams is just a full-fledged whack-job.

Either way this is my rational theory of why this fucker wrote this shit.

Judging from the comments on the article there's not many people who read it who seem eager to track down his enemies and maim them. Most people in the comments actually seem to be doing what everyone else who read it is doing...saying to themselves..."WHAT THE HELL IS HE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!?"

Hey, it's hard to change an organo's mind. If you wanted to take on an organic-loon/conspiracy-theorist and tried to reason with them, you'd get nowhere fast.  Now, this mess of an article by Adams has probably scared away more people from the organic movement than anyone else ever has.

Taking that all into account, this is what I believe were the events leading up to this MESS of a kook article being published onto the internet. This is what I believe happened....

Speculation on Events Leading up to the Most Insane Internet Article Ever Written

Joey Mercola, Doctor Oz, and Mike Adams were all assembled in their lair one lazy Sunday afternoon (I'm assuming it's a lair similar to one the bad guys on Super Friends hung out at with all these crocodiles everywhere and things like that).


They are all up in this lair being all evil and everything, when out of the blue Mike Adams catches Doctor Oz bangin' his wife and is all like...

Adams: "Yo bro, don't do that shit to my wife, guy!"

Oz: "No way dude, I'll bang who I wanna bang cuz I'm Doctor fucking Oz!"

Adams: "You suck man! Yo, I'm gunna fucking sabotage our whole operation just to get back at you!"

Oz: "No way, bro! Don't do that! We gotta good scam going, don't do it! I am sorry and I will now cease from doing sex to your wife!"

Adams: "Too late, hombre. The damage is done...if you loved our cool scam so much you should've thought twice before you sexed up my wife."

Oz: "The repercussions of my mistake shall haunt me in the future..."


To get back at his colleague, Adams writes the most asinine and insane article anyone's ever written in order to sabotage the organic movement and sink their ship. That's THE ONLY rational explanation as to why someone would publish an article THAT CRAZY to the fucking internet for millions of hippies to read.

Conclusion

I sincerely hope this was a "trojan horse" style article to damage the reputation of the natural/organic movement because if it wasn't...then this cat Mike Adams is the fucking craziest loser on earth.

Here's hoping no one takes him up on his order to kill his enemies because due to an article I've written on this here blog even I would be considered "an enemy" of Natural News Dot Com (and very proud to be one by the way).

It's not that I'm scared of dying or anything. I'm pretty chill with death and all that shit. It's just that dying at the hands of a horde of feral vegan losers is not the honorable death I pictured myself having. My fantasy death in my dreams has way fucking more ninjas, robots, dinosaurs, clowns, and naked women in it...

...and certainly no vegans. Yo.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Is there a Market for Competitive Retro Gamin'?

In the wake of Andrew Gardikis's unshatterable Super Mario Bros. 1 world record (which was THE benchmark for gamin' records) being shattered as of last June, it seems like a great time to venture into the world of competitive retro gaming, see if there's a market out there for this spectator sport, and whether or not it would or could be the next big thing that hits society.

Essence of a Spectator Event

It's not always polite to get all philosophical and shit...but one must ask...what is a spectator sport? What are the inherent and ubiquitous requirements for something to be regarded as a spectator sport?

Well, you need a competition and you need spectators. That's about it. In its base form as long as someone is watching a group of somethings or someones engaging in some sort of competition than yessiree that something is a spect sport.

Take this game known as "Pooh Sticks" from the smash hit television show Winnie Da Pooh,

Pooh Sticks Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q0gectxDNQ&t=3m12s

Now, some might question whether racing sticks down a river is really a spect sport...yet in this fictional case the spectators do seem to be enjoying themselves as they watch the sticks race down the river.

F Apple, F Orange. GO BANANA!
Similarly, one might question why on the smash hit television show The Simpsons...Bart, Nelson, and Ralph raced an apple, orange, and banana down the school bus floor. As it passed by all the other human units on the bus they all seemed to cheer the fruit on (well maybe not the banana which found great difficulty in gaining momentum) as they rolled down neck and neck. Some may have rooted for the apple, some for the orange....in the end there could only be one winner of the bus fruit race just like there could only be one winner of Pooh Sticks.

As long as the viewer doesn't know what the end result is...then it's great fun to watch it unfold. Yet, Pooh Sticks and Fruit Racing are just primitive forms of spect sports. To up the enjoyment of the spectators watching the event you need to up some key factors.

1. The Skill
2. The Drama
3. The Stakes

1. What if the sport in question wasn't a random event between sticks and other inanimate objects? What if two or more humans decided to test their skills at something against each other? It would make the event more enjoyable to watch. The more the skills are of a legendary nature the better. I know I can't hit a 500 foot homerun, so when I saw with my own two eyeballs both Henry Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero do it live...I was like "holy shit, man. He hit that ball really really far." That is The Skill, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

2. I know wrestling is fake but that doesn't mean I still didn't enjoy watching my boy Bob Backlund back in '94 put that pretty boy jabroni Bret "The Pink Boy" Hart in the inescapable Cross-Face Chicken-Wing until Bret's mommy had to throw in the towel so her precious little baby boy wouldn't get his precious little arm broken. I knew it was a shtick but it didn't stop me from cheering on Backlund, laughing at that diaper-baby Bret Hart, and thoroughly enjoying the whole thing. You know what that is? That's The Drama, that's what that is.

3. Sometimes your pride is on the line, sometimes your wallet is on the line, maybe the belt is on the line, even your career might be on the line...or is it something even greater that is on that line? There will come a time where maybe you are traveling through a great wasteland in a post-apocalyptic future and you may stop by at a barter town governed by Tina Turner....and maybe you'll wind up fighting in some manner of a "Thunder Dome" where a midget riding on the shoulders of a giant retarded man will be your opponent. You know what will be on the line in that case scenario? Yeah, your friggin' life, dude. That's what I call...The Stakes.


 Sometimes the stakes are just too high and you gotta back outta the deal...



The Wizard...

There once was a movie which made playing Nintendo into a spectator sport. The Wizard. Anyone of the ages of 25-35 remember this movie? Yeah, I bet you do...and if you said "no" then forgive me if I accuse you at this juncture of being a filthy liar...because everyone knows this movie, everyone.

There's a great divide between how people regard this film. Some look at it as a horrible film which boiled down to being a 2 hour long info-merical for Nintendo to promote some crappy products it was hawking (i.e. The Power Gluv). Other people (me included) view this as the movie which initiated the template for Retro Gaming as a Spectator Sport.

The picture starts out a little slow, but after the scene where Beau Bridges starts smashing up a car with a shovel...the audience gets pretty pumped...and it really starts gettin' goin'.

This movie changed the way I played video games. I used to in pre-1989 days play video games in an area where behind me was a sofa, a table, and some wood paneling on a wall. Yet, when I played Mario 3 after seeing this Masterpiece...I never played to an audience of wood paneling ever again. That wood paneling before my very eyes morphed into 12,000 screaming people...12,000 screaming people watching me play Super Mario Bros. 3 in the depths of my mind. After gettin' 3 stars in row and getting the 5 Up screen...I didn't turn to wood paneling to raise my fist, I didn't turn to the sofa and acknowledge its feverish applause...no way...I turned to the 12,000 screaming people to raise my fist...I got those 5 Ups for the people!

The Wizard changed the game.


Documentaries 

Competitive gaming has had a good spotlight in the form of some very well made documentaries that have been done in the last decade. King of Kong and Ecstasy of Order: The Masters of Tetris are good examples.

Kong features the rivalry between one Steve Wiebe and one Billy Mitchell, while Ecstasy showcases various Tetris legends including Thor Aackerlund.

Now before we get any further, it should be noted that being a movie that wanted a certain formula to itself, The King of Kong obviously shticked it up a bit. The rivalry was intensified as the hero/baby-face/white-cowboyhat (Wiebe) was pitted against the villain/heel/black-cowboyhat (Mitchell) character.

Anyone who knows movies knows that you don't have a movie without a good villain character and Billy Mitchell is one of the best on-screen villains I've ever seen. Even if the fans of the film identify with and root for Steve Wiebe...it was not Wiebe who made this film what it is...Billy Mitchell made this film what it is. I know it'd be weird to give an Oscar to a documentary film actor due to the fact that people don't act in documentaries but the King of Kong to me has so many Spinal Tap elements to it that it's not exactly a straight up documentary....it's a movie. That being said, I was somewhat astonished that Billy Mitchell did not get nominated for any Oscars for his portrayal of "Billy Mitchell" in the King of Kong.

The second example mentioned, Ecstasy of Order: The Masters of Tetris, is a more straight doc than movie. I think they at some point fiddled with the idea of making Thor Aackerland a heel but probably scrapped the idea. Thor looks like he's a good candidate for heel throughout the film by constantly claiming to be able to get to the holy grail of level 30 in Tetris but never offers any proof to these claims. You think he's being worked as the "Billy Mitchell" of Tetris...but then they get into his backstory and you start to really like the guy...and then at the very end of the movie....guess what? I don't wanna spoil it but...ok I will...(SPOILER) at the end of the movie that fucking Thor gets to level 30 in Tetris and your face will be all like "No WAY, he actually can DO IT!!!!!? WOW!"  (/SPOLIER)

Masters of Tetris is still an interesting look at retro gaming and the whole scene and it is great that it gives good screen time to the two female masters of Tetris (one of which is a pretty cute lesbian). Maybe you were thinking that retro gaming is all ugly old male nerds but there's some chicks doin' this too.

Twin Galaxies vs. Speed Demon Archives

In the King of Kong film we are also introduced in to an institution which is dedicated to documenting feats of skill in video game history. What I can't figure out is whether the "Walter Day" character being presented here was actually himself (i.e. a real dude) or not. Was it a shtick? Was that pretentious demeanor all an act? I don't think his character was shticked-out at all to be perfectly honest. The pretentiousness and general oddness of this "video game referee" and self declared "authority" of video game records seems to be the real deal. I don't think it's an act.

To me the fact that the Mario 1 records are not even counted on Twin Galaxies because of "glitches exploited" by the gamers is so silly. The record on Twin Galaxies for Mario 1 is listed as being 5:08....they don't even accept the fact that now TWO human beings have cracked 5 in Mario. What kind of fucking bullshit is this? Twin Galaxies can go fuck itself.

I keep up to date with the masters of retro gaming and the video game heroes of the age with that great site Speed Demon Archives Dot Org.*

Twin Galaxies? I have no respect for your operation...not in the least.

 
* Note: All these years I thought this site was called Speed Demons Archive but it looks like there's no "N" and it's actually Speed Demos Archive which sounds suuuuuuuuuper lame. Whatever though, it's still better than Twin Galaxies.


So This Retro Gamin'...Is It?

Is retro gamin' a Skill? Look, kids these days don't know what we went through. These days the companies make the games at an enjoyable difficulty for all ages so they can get the widest audience range and sell the most units. Back in my day, gamin' was brutal on your eyes, mind, n' brain. Yo, if your kid could beat Mega Man 2 at 10 years old back in the day....you had to get on the phone with Mensa as soon as it occurred to let them know that society had a "prodigy" on its hands and hope to the heavens that the child didn't mature into an evil genius. If you had a kid who could get 500K points in Tetris you were obliged to fill out a government report indicating that you had a "biological weapon" in your premises because many world governments of the era classified a brain of that magnitude as a nuclear threat to civilization.

Fuck, man. Watchin' a dude like Gardikis or the newly crowned Mario King runnin' through a Mario 1 game and seeing all the roll-stoppin', the quick-housin', the back-tubin', the 21n frame masterin', the pirahna clearin', and the threadin' of the the needles. You can see that and pretend that what is happening isn't a skill? I don't think so, pal.

A basketball player who can hit big threes gets into a "zone," a baseball hitter who can in a split milli-second pick up a 96 mile an hour fastball and jack it down the left-field line is in a "zone," what about a Tetris Master who can achieve 290+ lines, a 999,999 MAXIMUM score, and get the level 29 variable to switch over to level 00...is he in the Zone?


Oh yes, he's in the Zone. He truly is.


What is the Zone? Have you been there? Have you ever got so good at something that your brain became so efficient at it that you actually forget your even doing it while your doing it? That's the Zone. It's like...you just beat Mario 2 in like 10 minutes and you think to yourself afterwards...

"Wow, I just beat Mario 2 in the last 10 minutes but I wasn't even thinking about it. I was thinking about that one time my friend threw a full milk shake all over my other friend and I started to laugh and laugh...I wasn't even thinking about Mario 2 at all whilst I beat it in the last 10 minutes." 
-A theoretical quote from someone that was "in the Zone."
It seems as if your brain has found such an efficient way to accomplish a given task that it deems that the only thing that can get in the way at this point in achieving the task is over-thinking the situation, so naturally the brain distracts itself from thinking unnecessary thoughts and it accomplishes this feat by making itself think of things not related to the matter at hand whilst the matter at hand is efficiently taking care of on auto-pilot. Wow.

Take Exhibit A over here...

Climbing ladders...or something much much more?

Luigi has climbed up a ladder (narrowly avoiding being shot) and now has come to TWO ladders...one on the left and one on the right. Now...whether you chose left or right HAS NO BEARING on the outcome of the situation. Yet, your brain will take a few miliseconds/frames to ponder whether to choose left or right. Why would the brain waste valuable frames deciding on an action on a situation in which both paths lead to the same outcome? Because our brains are stupid, that's why. Yet when you're in The Zone, the brain doesn't deal with that shit...it just bounces up a ladder (ANY LADDER) and gets where it's gotta go.

Damn, when we're not in The Zone...it's almost like we're these victims of some sort of a collision on the open seas as our brains struggle to make routine decisions which ultimately have ZERO bearing on the future. Call it obsessive compulsive disorder, call it fear of choice, call it what you want. It reminds me of that dog who found these two bones this one time in Ancient Rome and he picked at one and then he licked the other...and then he literally went in circles until he dropped dead.






Oh man, Video games are hard work sometimes.

People say video games aren't for real because they are just "games" and games aren't for real. Games can for real too though...like basketball, soccer, baseball...people know those games are for real. If you told a retro master gamer that he or she is just playing a "game," I'd bet they'd disagree with you. When your that good at something it's no longer a game anymore for you to enjoy leisurely. Let legendary relief-pitcher/philosopher John Wetteland expalin this phenomenon,
  
"[Baseball is not a game] for me. It’s something I need to execute. There’s a whole different perspective I have and that’s why maybe I can’t enjoy it the same way. I only watch baseball to learn from it, not to enjoy it."

-John Wetteland
Mario Runners, Tetris Masters, Donkey Kong Experts, Pac Man Wizards, Asteroid Champions...these people don't play these "games" to enjoy them...they play them to find the most effective way to function. They execute functions in a divine flow is what they do, they do not "play" them at all. They find the most efficient series of functions to execute in order to create a Flying Divinity of Mental Togetherness which becomes an awe inspiring event for spectators to see. You better believe it.

Now let me ask you this, does it got The Drama? Yeah, it does.

Riddle me this, if King of Kong was about just Steve Wiebe beating Donkey Kong and getting the highest score ever would you have watched it to the end? I wouldn't have. I watched that movie because of Billy Mitchell. Why did I watch it because of Billy Mitchell? Because he's Billy Mitchell.

 "...Because I'm Billy Mitchell." -Billy Mitchell

All that's left is The Stakes. Some compete for the money, some for the fame, some for the thrill...but some just compete to be the best....the best that there never even was. There can only be one "The Best" and you're either it or your not. You're either Thor Aackerlund or you're not. What are the stakes in retro-gaming? What do you think?

It's about being the fucking greatest.


Conclusion

We know retro-gamin' has the skillz, the drama, and the stakes. All its missing is a venue and some media attention. It needs a place to compete, some camera people, some key grips, some dolly grips, and a handful of announcers and play-by-play people. That's it.

Years ago, a man named Chairman Kaga went through gallons of blood, sweat and tears to build his one-of-a-kind Kitchen Stadium to give a venue for his Iron Chefs to compete against all challengers this World had to offer.



Retro Gamers of all corners of this World of Worlds are asking themselves at this very moment...where's our Chairman Kaga? Where's our Video Game Stadium? When will I get to show the world my ability? When is it my turn to shine on the global stage?

When will the 7 Iron Gamers assemble on Television in the famed Retro Gamin' Stadium and do battle? That's the question on everyone's mind.