Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Palette Cleanser: Let's Rate More Ernest Movies.

Getting heavy. Getting 2 heavy. The views stats are back up thanks to that last one. It's hard writing 'bout Heavy topics. It actually is.

It stress me out this shit, it do, writin' 'bout heavy shit and whatnot. Hey, you know my doctor? That Doctor Vinnie Boombatz? Yeah? Well, I was talking to him the other day and I was like....

"I tell ya doc the last week I was in rough shape. This week I'm okay but the last week? Ho oh, I was in rough shape. I tell ya doc... It's the pressure and this pressure is like a Heaviness and it's always on top of me this Heaviness. I mean other people wake up in the morning and they go "ok wow, it's a new day" .... but when I wake up the Heaviness is right there waiting for me .... and I say "Hello there Heaviness, how are you today?" and The Heaviness looks back at me it goes "Today you're gonna get it GOOD. You're gonna get The Heaviness GOOOD today!" 1

I don't wanna cover no heavy topics no more. Fuck that. I'm done with The Heaviness. I'm gonna stick to stuff that's fun from now on.... gonna do Science, Baseball, and Ernest related topics for the well for-see-able future. Fuck the Heaviness, man. I'm gonna stick to fun topics from now on.

Baseball, Science, and Ernest....

Hmmm, which topic? Let's see. I'm gonna do an Ernest one.

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 1 - Dangerfield, Rodney - "Heaviness" - Preformed at many Various Locations and Instances. (See: HERE for further information regarding "The Heaviness")

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More Ernest

I've written about Ernest on a semi-frequent basis. These ones:

The Long One: The Greatest Debate Still Rages On

Retraction made to that Piece: A Small Retraction Concerning Statements Made about Ernest

Ernest came up at length in this as well: The Deceased Celebrities that I Miss the Most

Reviewing more Ernest movies, that seems like a good idea for this silly writing hobby. That's a fun mental exercise, I'd say. I'm gonna do just that...review some more Ernest movies.

All the good ones were done in the first article though. Like Camp, Jail, Scared, and Christmas were all covered already .... it's only the crappier ones that are left ... like School, Dunk, Africa, Army .... actually Dunk is a pretty decent flick and Army has its moments.

Maybe do like four. Let's do....

1. How's the Weather, Ernest?
2. Slam Dunk Ernest
3. Kung Fu Ernest 
4. Hail to the Ernest

Standard tournament bracket rules. The four films will square off and then two will advance to the finals and then one will be declared Best Ernest Film out of The Four Covered in this Article.



1. How's the Weather, Ernest?

Starring: Ernest, Lyman Ward, Jackée Harry, Gailard Sartain, and Bill Byrge.

Synopsis: Our favorite friend, Ernest, is a cameraman at a local Briarville channel 9 News Station. He enjoys his cameraman job but an undying aspiration to be a the local Briarville Weather Man burns in his heart and soul like a burning unquenchable tempest.

Luck would have it that on the tail end of one soft spring afternoon, the station's current weather man Welman St. Claire (portrayed by the always affable Lyman Ward) calls in sick at the last minute which leaves no one available to film the day's weather segment. Ernest is asked to do it but his shyness and timidness prevent him from taking the Weather Stage. The curt yet sophisticated anchor woman portrayed by actress Jackée Harry manages to instill a small amount of confidence in Ernest and convinces our loveable friend to fill in for Welman St. Claire and do the weather segment.

Ernest makes an on air gaffe so extreme and damaging to Channel Nine's image that they declare letting Ernest do the Weather as the worst mistake made in Channel Nine's entire history. The Channel 9 news team try and say nice things about him to help him keep his job but it proves to no avail as the Channel 9 big wigs promptly fire Ernest and inform him to clear out his personal possessions from the premises and leave...for good and for ever.

Ernest takes his time cleaning out his personal possessions and loading them into a beat up cardboard box... everyone says bye to him, tries to console him, and leaves ... Ernest sits alone in the dark office saying his last good bye to it .... when all of a sudden an alarm goes off on the Storm Tracker Accu-Cast weather program on the computer! It turns out a GIGANTIC STORM is approaching Missouri! Ernest springs into to action! He boots up the network and turns on the satellite to go LIVE ON THE AIR to inform everyone of the impending tornado and to activate the emergency broadcast system so all Briarville residents can find shelter and safety!

The Storm Tracker shows this storm will be historic in nature and may even destroy all of Briarville. Our Hero Ernest remembers something he learned in grade school concerning wind currents, that the center of the storm is massively hot, and decides to quell the tornado by strapping himself to a refrigerator and launching himself out of a cannon designed by Gailard Sartain and Bobby .... right into the storm to cool the center down and dissipate it (Note: The science applied to this scene makes no sense but it's just a movie).

Ernest and Gailard's plan succeed and Ernest is considered the Hero of Briarville and anointed as their Permanent Weather Man after the promotion of Welman St. Claire to co-anchor. Wow.

My Opinion: Definitely one of the better Ernest films of the era, I'd say. The action of the climax scene is surprisingly cool, the acting especially by Lyman Ward is actually top notch, and comedically both Ernest and Jackée Harrée are at their utmost finest.

The sadness scene after he is fired where he mopes around the office is touching, it is. It really is touching. I was touched. All in all one of the greatest Ernest Films of the Era, no doubt.

 



2. Slam Dunk Ernest

Starring: You know it, Ernest, Cylk Cozart, Miguel Nunez (that dude from the GREAT movie "Juwanna Mann"), and starring Basketball Royalty and Legend of Legends Mr. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Synopsis: Our man, Ernest, is a maintenance man at a local shopping mall but has the most golden of aspirations to be an NBA basketball star. He joins the mall's basketball team which plays in a local pick up league.

Sadly, Ernest is a terrible basketball player and his team mates don't really want him on the team. Yet, as luck would have it ... Our mainest of men Ernest is visited in the Night by an Angel (portrayed by Basketball Icon Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) who entrusts our good bud Ernest with an ancient relic in the form of sneakers which imbue ancient Basketball skills unto Ernest which transforms him into a Basketball Phenom and Super Star.

Ernest turns his mall team Clean Sweep into a juggernaut of basketball playing prowess thanks to the magical shoes ... but there is a catch to these shoes ... they are the devil's patch work ... they are but devil's make ... cobbled together by a demon in human skin known as Zamiel Moloch. As Ernest's skills grow thanks to the cursed shoes so does his arrogance. Ernest stops passing the ball to his teammates as he feels far superior in skill to them and feels he can win on his own without their help.

Mistrust grows further as the former star player of Clean Sweep's son renounces his father's teachings in regards to his basketball training in order to adopt Ernest's style of training which simply boils down to buying expensive looking shoes. The father played by Cylk Cozart tries to explain to his son that it takes hard work, dedication, and practice to become better at the art and science of Basketball yet his son has already gone to the dark side and is convinced basketball skills come from expensive shoes.

Clean Sweep is so good thanks to Ernest that they are invited to play the NBA team the Charlotte Hornets in an exhibition match. Ernest, however, has a crise-de-conscience as he knows he is only good due to the Sneakers and is sad that his team mates dislike him due to his insurmountable arrogance he has displayed towards them. He rids himself of the cursed shoes forged by the devilish Zamiel Moloch and resumes his status on Clean Sweep as bench warmer for the big game against the Hornets.

Will he score the big basket or be relegated to eternal human solitude for his arrogant ways? Only time will tell.

My Opinion: A very romantic film, a very simple romantic film of Basketball Good versus Basketball Evil. Film's turn out better when you keep them simple like this. The New Star Wars is a good movie because I think they went back to simple story telling instead of long-winded silly story telling.

Slam Dunk Ernest is a very straight shooting film that manages to be deeply introspective at times. Deeply basketballingly introspective ... that term sounds silly ... but it truly is deeply basketballingly introspective.




3. Kung Fu Ernest

Starring: Who Else? The Ernest, Jacklyn Wu, Norman D Golden II, and Bolo Yeung.

Synopsis: The Ernest of all things Earnest is a karate instructor at a local dojo where he teaches karate moves to young inner city kids. He dreams large though, he indeed dreams large. He has dreams of being a black belt karate champion known the world over.

Bolo. Bolo. Bolo.
Trouble and dilemma befall our hero as the state plans to cancel the inner city youth karate program and close the state funded dojo. One of the children, played by Norman D Golden the Second, refuses to let this turn of events unfold and looks for methods to stop the closure of the dojo. He finds an ad for a karate competition in the local paper and urges his sensei, The Venerable Ernest P. Worrell, who claims to be the Master of 36 Divine Karate Moves and 72 Earthly Kung Fu Moves to compete and use the prize money to operate the dojo.

Truth be told, Ernest was lying to the kids about his Mastery of the Karate and admits to being a fraud who just yells loud and does exaggerated chops but the boy won't believe it and Ernest is left with no other choice but to compete.

The tournament's stakes are high and many competitors are left injured to reigning champion Song-Wong Sung (played by the great man Bolo Yeung). Ernest is scared and claims his Auntie Nelda needs him to do some chores at home and attempts to flee the arena yet Sung calls him out and drags him to the arena to compete.

Can the Masterful Ernest win the day and defeat Song-Wong Sung or will all be lost ???

My Opinion: Top notch Ernest movie. He does well when he tries to pull off a Buffoon Badass Character which we previously saw in Ernest Scared Stupid. The Karate is surprisingly good too for a silly movie and the flips and stunts are top notch. The fighting is made to look pretty real and kids who watch this movie would genuinely find that entertaining.

All things considered, an above average Ernest film offering.



4. Hail to the Ernest

Starring: Guess Who? Ernest of course, Morton Downey Jr, Judy Tenuta, Sam MacMurray, and Gailard Sartain.

Synopsis: Ernest and his best buddy Vernon are sitting and watching television when a campaign ad comes on for Congressman Preston Best (portrayed by the Dastardly Morton Downey Jr.) who is running to be President of the United States of America. Ernest starts talking to Vernon about how silly this dufus is and makes a joke to Vern (who by the way is never shown on screen and is always off camera) that "runnin' for that president looks easy as pie, Vern" and then the camera nods up and down to simulate Vern nodding in agreement. The audience can't hear Vern's response (for unknown reasons) yet Ernest replies to the unheard response with "Really, Vern? You think so? You think your ol' buddy Ernest could be a President? No kiddin' Vern?" and again the camera goes up and down to simulate Vern saying "Yes" to Ernest's query.

Gee Vern, I sure would love to be President
Ernest amasses the necessarily signatures to apply to run for President and formally submits his application. Our good buddy Ernest quickly realizes that "runnin' for that President" is actually quite easy. He doesn't know it but it turns out a good portion of the voters are either just as smart or less smart than Ernest and he wins all of these voters over in a matter of weeks thanks to his silly behavior that is seen as relatable to by the voting public at large. For example when asked what he'd do about "illegals" coming over the boarder ... Ernest replies that he'd build a wall around the boarder ... but he really didn't even understand the question to begin with and had no idea they were asking him about people.... he thought illegals meant like rabbits or deers or some critter of that nature.

Trouble is on the horizon for our most favorite friend Ernest as Congressman Best becomes infuriated that Ernest is STEALING his low education voter core from him in this Presidential election. Preston Best goes on the offensive and starts saying even STUPIDER things than Ernest is saying in order to win the American populace back on his side. The Presidential race quickly devolves into a Stupidity Contest and Preston Best slowly inches into the lead.

Trouble doubles over for Ernest when Best invites him to his mansion and informs Ernest that if he doesn't pull out of this Stupidity Contest then his financial backer of the Krader Corporation (played by Sam MacMurray) will leave no stone unturned in order to de-rail the Ernest Train that is sweeping America.

Ernest formally announces he is pulling himself out of the race over fears instilled in him by Best and Krader Corp. and he returns home to sulk ... yet his sulking is interrupted by a knock on his door ... it is investigative reporter and talented accordion player Olga Reinheart (played by the always upbeat and likeable Judy Tenuta). Reinhart has amassed a massive file of dirt on Best and Krader company over the years and wants to present it to our greatest pal Ernest.

Ernest is renewed with vigor to fulfill his dream of bein' a President and together with Reinheart rent out a concert hall where they sing a duet (Ernest singing while Reinheart accompanies on accordion) in the tune of Yankee Doodle but the lyrics are details of crimes that Krader Corporation and Best have committed over the last decade while Best was a congressman. The public is then won over by Ernest.

Ernest is elected President of the United States of America with Olga Reinheart as Vice-President.

My Opinion: This film isn't that great, Ernest and Tenuta have good chemistry though. Downey and MacMurray are GREAT as villains but it never really gets that Ernest Oomph going that most Ernest films generate.

It's eerie to re-watch this film nowadays because back then it was a comedy to have Jim Varney and Morton Downey Jr. having a Stupidity Contest in order to crown the next President of America .... but if you watch the current real life Presidential Race in real life right now ... it's just eerie. Re-Watching Hail to the Ernest in 2016 .... it feels more like this film is a Chilling Look Into the Crystal Ball of a Possible Future of Post 90s America more so than a 1990 comedy film. There's so many similarities that I even suspect that some candidates like Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Ben Carson and others have not only seen this obscure film ... but have copied and plagiarized large chunks of it.

All in all a decent Ernest movie but eerie to Re-Watch in regards to the current political climate in which one can draw too many obvious similarities to.


Conclusion

Out of these four selections out of the tapestry of magic in which encapsulates Ernest film Lore ... I'd say Slam Dunk Ernest is the best of the four.

I think, as we've seen in the New Stars Wars movie (fuck you Kylo Ren, by the way, you're a jabroni, a huge one), that simple story telling isn't a bad way to go with story. You don't have to jazz up your shtick with too much complicated crap.... Slam Dunk Ernest is a story of good versus evil ... of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar versus Zamiel Moloch ...

When good battles evil ... which side do you believe wins in the End?

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