Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

American Election Power Rankings

I'm not a citizen of the USA, so I don't want to attempt to write satirical stuff about them too much. I don't vote in this election so why should I make fun of it? It doesn't have to do with me.

My personal rule with making fun of countries is to stick to making fun of your own if you can.

There's things that have resonated with me over the years that have lead me to stick to making fun of my own country instead of hating on other people's countries. Some of the moments that resonated with me are the following:


Some Things that Resonated with Me

1. Jello Biafra told a story once where he went to Ireland to do a Spoken Word tour ... and he prepared a nice thing about Ireland's crazy religion feud between two factions of Christianity ... and  he thought it was gonna kill with the audience ... but it didn't. They booed him and yelled "WE WANNA HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT BILL O'REILLY AND GLENN BECK!!!"

Ireland just wanted to hear him talk shit about America and make fun of America  ... they were angry when he wrote and preformed a bit that lambasted their conservative religion feud. Ireland just wanted to hate on America and feel superior. They didn't want to examine their own problems.


2. Noam Chomsky used to come on Canadian Radio programs sometimes when I was like a young teenager. He'd come on and talk shit about America and how fucked up it was and the Canadian Radio hosts would just adore that to the max.

Then one day he threw them a fucking change up that floored them. He came into the studio and told the Canadian radio talk host something along the lines of ... "Hey, I just flew in and landed at that War Criminal Airport and boy are my arms tired!"

...and yo, the Canadian host thought about the joke briefly and replied with something along the lines like ... "You mean Lester Bee PEARSON AIRPORT!? ARE ARE YOU CALLING LESTER BEE PEARSON A WAR CRIMINAL!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOOOU!?"

Noam could talk shit about America and the Canadian hosts would adore it ... but one joke about Canada not being the saintly state it thinks it is ... and BAM .... they never had Noam Chomsky back on.

That struck me big time. The Canadians just wanted to hate on the Americans by having Chomsky on.... but they would not tolerate him saying anything negative about Canada. I found that so dumb by the Canadian Radio hosts.


3. Sticking with Canada (cuz it's my country I get to make fun of it), this jabroni Rick Mercer used to do a bit called "Talking to Americans" for the CBC, which was a formulaic bit inspired by Steve Allen. The modern version of the bit was created by the Howard Stern Show under the monicker "Homeless Game" and Jay Leno later did a version called "Jay Walking."

In this bit you talk to random people in the street and then edit out anything intelligent said by anyone and present a montage of the dumbest shit people said to the interviewer so the audience can thus laugh at how un-knowledgeable people can be about some topics. 

Basically, Rick Mercer would fly down to the USA to interview common Americans, ask them questions about Canada and then they'd edit together the "dumbest answers." The dumbest answers would be people who didn't know who the Prime Minister of Canada was or some lame-ass shit like that.

The Canadian audiences at home would laugh at how "stupid" Americans are. But... Canada is pretty inconsequential to American life in the whole scheme of things. If someone did this bit in Canada and chose some not-well-known country to Canada ... like say Nigeria .... and went into the streets of Toronto ... and asked people who the leader of Nigeria was ... I bet you almost over 99% of them would not know who Muhammadu Buhari is. Why? Because he doesn't have a big impact on their day-to-day lives ... just like a question to Americans like "Is Canada on the Metric system or another system" ... they might not know the answer to it because it doesn't really effect them in any way to know or care about what measurement system Canada uses or who the leader of some province is.


4. Two things that pissed me off about Canada's asinine feelings of superiority to Americans is how they demand for apologies at the slightest shit but would in the same circumstances would never apologize for anything themselves.
Deal with it - Canada.

Like last year Harold Reynolds said a small very tame joke about a fan at a Jays game that bobbled a foul ball ... he said something like .... "he's been playing too much hockey, haha." It was a very tame and not offensive at all joke ... but. ... he was trending on Twitter for a full week after and countless negative press articles were written about him. Eventually he publicly apologized to all of Canada.

Another time I remember, Robert Smigel did his Triumph shtick in Quebec City for the Conan O'Brien show .... and the whole province of Quebec considered that puppet's jokes as the worst thing that ever happened on earth. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was discussed at length at Quebec Parliament for a good week ... eventually ... Conan apologized to all of Quebec for Robert Smigel's jokes.

The Don Rickles of Puppets.
I was pissed at that because, during that year that Conan apologized was a year where Canadiens fans would routinely BOO the American national anthem at hockey games ... to the point where it was embarrassing and over the top ... yet you didn't see Quebec apologizing to America for its people routinely boo-ing the American National Anthem at hockey games ... but the Quebec Government demanded an apology from Conan O'Brien.

Yo, if I was Gold Glover and All Star Harold Reynolds ... I would have told Canada to suck my dick! I'm not joking. Not even joking. If it was me in Harold Reynold's shoes ... I would have told Canada to suck a whole EGG!

And Yo-Yo-Yo, if I was Conan O'Brien I wouldn't have apologized to Quebec on behalf of Robert Smigel ... I would have told Quebec to lick my stinky ASS! Yeah right. It's a damned dog puppet for fuck's sake.



5. The "CRTC" in Canada made a law many decades ago that things that are aired on National airwaves must contain a certain amount of "Canadian Content." In the old days no one knew what the fuck "Canadian Content" was so they met their quota in very tongue-in-cheek manners. The characters the McKenzie Brothers (Bob and Doug) were born on SCTV to meet their Canadian Content Quota for the CBC. They basically put two retards in tuques at the end of the show to talk about bacon and snow-mo-biles for about 45 seconds in order to meet their Canadian Content Quota and be allowed to air on CBC in Canada. Yes, that's how those characters were born.

Now a days ... still no one knows what "Canadian Content" is defined as but shows have methods of meeting it still. Now a days they meet the quota by making the hero characters Canadians and the villain characters American. So, you'll watch like the shitty Canadian rip-off of Law and Order and the lawyer is a sexy Canadian who manages to bust an American drug/prostitution smuggling ring. That's all you need to meet the imposed content quota ... you just have to make all the bad guys Americans and have heroic Canadians stop these evil doers from doing whatever it is they are doing in Canada.

Quebec does this too I notice. Except, in their case, they make all the bad guys Canadians and the good guys are French people. I watched this movie once from the seventies where this french guy wanted to own a diner but this Canadian english-speaking man kept poisoning the french man's mash potatoes to keep him from owning that diner. It was fucking funny to me ... but the target audience takes that seriously and really loves that shit.

You won't see Canada apologizing for the Evil American stereotype they run on its air waves. Canadians are not actually very nice. They just pretend to be.


Anyways....

That Jello Biafra in Ireland thing and all those silly Canadian examples is why I try to stick to making fun of my own home/where-I-live instead of other foreign/exotic places. I don't want to just hate on America and then sit back and pretend my country is some paradise. You don't get any heat when you hate on far off places either. If you hate on your own place you can get heat over that. So it's also cowardly to just make fun of far off lands instead of your own.

But I gotta bust off some 'pinions on this American Election, g. Because. Holy Shit. It's like the most fucked-up election in history. I'm obsessed with it. I read every article and every stat and every projection on it every single day.

I'm sorry. I know I should stick to making fun of shit in my own country/province (I live in Montreal by the way) but ... I can't man....

I HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF THE AMERICAN ELECTION! 

It's just so crazy this time around. It's genuinely in-fucking-sane, dude. It's fucking nuts this time around.

I'm gonna rate many (not all) of the candidates, so without any further ado ... here is the ...





Jabronies who dropped out won't be covered. That sweaty Jabroni Jeb spent like almost 200 million bucks on his campaign and is already Dead on Arrival. That's all-star inefficiency, man. His backers should sue his fucking ass off! Jeb Bush is the least cost-efficient campaigner for The President of all fucking time. Wow.

I'm gonna do the Repos first then the Demos. O-K?


1. Doctor Ben Carson (R)

Age: 64 human years
Sex: Male
Background: Brain Surgeon
Race: Black
Money People Invested in Him: 68 Million

You'd think this guy would be getting more votes. He's a brain surgeon turned Politician. You'd think he could have picked up some of Obama's supporters and made a run out of this ... but no.


My Opinion: Ben Carson loses points with me because he's kind of a Doctor Oz type guy ...  he was a legit medical man who ditched his profession to hawk nonsense. He's become the spokesperson for some odd alternative cancer treatments and all-around quack-nonsense. I don't think it's professional when medical professionals start doing all these snake oil shticks. Now he's done with promoting alternative silly cancer treatments and has become a full time Liar-for-Hire mercenary for the Republican Party.

His nonsense doesn't stop at medical related fields though. He's stated some weird ass shit over the campaign. I think he fell into the trap of trying to compete head-to-head with Trump by attempting to "out stupid" Trump (which is not fucking possible). Carson tried to counter Trump's silliness by saying silly shit of his own and I don't think it worked for him. 

His statement that the Egypt pyramids may have had grain in them is made fun of a lot, but I don't even think that statement was that silly. I remember in Civilizations II for DOS .... if you built the pyramids you got a granary in all your existing towns.

"Counts as a Granary in Each City" - Civ II

If the video game Civ II thinks the pyramids had grain in them then he's got at least a video game that agrees with him on that.

He's funny in the debates though. He didn't talk much in one of them and then tapped the mic and finally said something......"Can Someone please Attack me Please?"

He just wants to be attacked too. Why are they leaving him out of the reindeer games? I feel ya, Ben. I feel ya. If they let me be in the debates I'd throw some fatty attacks your way.

Charisma: 52
Comedic Tact: 82
Professionalism: 46
Trash Talk: 77

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 64 (D+)
Odds of Becoming President: Zero.



2. Rafael Eddie "Ted" Cruz (R)

Age: 45 robot years
Sex: Synth
Background: Calgary, Alberta
Race: Synth
Money People Invested in Him: 104 Million

Like Jeb, Ted Cruz is a highly inefficient campaigner in terms of the funds invested into his ass. Over 104 million for very little votes. He'll win in Texas but nowhere else. He's toast.

My Opinion: He's legally Canadian ... so ... I can make fun of him FULL FORCE and not hold back. Here goes...

Ted Cruz Sucks Shit!

First off, that character he does on stage? That's not himself. He's doing an act! Why would a dopey Spanish guy from Calgary talk like that? With that preacher's drawl for? Because he's doing an impression! He's doing George Bush 1. Here's two other impressionists doing versions of Bush 1:

Billy West:


Here we see Billy West (who I like but didn't agree with him taking credit for John K's Ren character on an episode of Conan one time)... pretending to be George Bush 1 golfing with the Greatest Band Ever ... The Ramones. Note the audio latency in his voice.

Okay, now here's Dana Carvey slicing off a Bush 1, check this out:

Dana Carvey:



Dana's doing Bush 1 to a bunch of Spring Breakers. Close your eyes, just do it. Close your eyes and listen. Who's talking? It's Ted Cruz! 

Ted Cruz is doing an impression of Bush 1 and its worked for him ... but I can assure you ... A spanish guy from Calgary wouldn't fucking talk like Bush One! It wouldn't happen. He's doing a heavy preacher character with complete drawl and trying to emulate the audio speech latency of George Bush One.

He's actually a pretty talented comic Ted Cruz ... but ... do you really want your President to be a talented mimic? A talented Canadian Mimic?


Charisma: 14
Comedic Tact: 89
Professionalism: 53
Trash Talk: 51

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 52 (F)
Odds of Becoming President: Zero.



4. Marco "Alex P. Keaton" Rubio (R)

Age: 24 human years
Sex: Male
Background: Family Ties
Race: White
Money People Invested in Him: 85 million bucks

The "Safe" candidate on the R-side, trouble is he's polling like shit and is just about toast. Oh well.

My Opinion: He's the safety man and he should have taken more states but ... damn ... Trump is steam rolling this kid, man. Fuck.


Don't do Speed anymore, Marco!
I like him though. Yo, I remember an episode with him where he has to stay up late to study for exams but he's so sleepy that he tried the drug known in the 80s as "Speed." At first it helps him to stay up and study for his exams but then the hard drugs eventually catch up to him and he starts wigging out like hard ...

...damn.

He can't control his shit and then Mallory and Allan Thicke find out what he's been doing and they are pissed at Rubio so bad. I learned a valuable lesson that day. I vowed never to try drugs after that episode of Family Ties.

So I have to thank Marco Rubio for installing that life-lesson into my young fragile mind....


Charisma: 29
Comedic Tact: 67
Professionalism: 88
Trash Talk: 72 (he talked some fresh shit last debate. He said Donald pissed his pants!)

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 64 (D+)
Odds of Becoming President: Under 10% about


5. Donald Trump (R) 

Sex: Male
Age: 69 Dude!
Background: BiZness (with a Capital Z)
Race: The Orange Spary-Tan George Hamilton-nites
Money People Invested in Him: 27 million bucks

What can be said? This is the reason this election is so insane. He's literally insane. It's like some mad scientist made some potion that let Wally George rise from the dead in some cockamamie scheme to make a Zombie Wally George the President of the America. What in the actual fuck is going on!?

Yo. I don't know what to say. I don't. I really don't. I keep expecting the Kayfabe to end and Jake Roberts to walk out behind the curtain and DDT Trump to a standing ovation! I mean this is theater. It's fucking Stupid Performance Art is what it is.

I watch Trump in the debates and forget it's not theatrics. I keep half-expecting that Stone Cold is gonna burst out, chug beer, and preform a flashy clutch-hold on him.


I keep thinking that this is gonna happen.... but it doesn't!

You know, when it started, at first, I thought it would be super funny for a man who spray-tanned himself into George Hamilton to be the Leader of the Fucking Free World ... but it might just be because I don't actually live in the USA.

I was watching that great great show South Park the other month or so, and they hit me where it hurts. They did a show where a Canadian Trump becomes Prime Minister of Canada and it made me fucking think....

...I was like, Yo.... that would fucking SUCK and be SUPER EMBARRASSING if he was my leader. South Park fucking took me to school with that episode, it sure fucking did.

Now, in recent weeks ... to make matters more clear to me as to how embarrassing this situation can be .... The Canadian Watered Down Intellectual Property Infringing Canadian-version of Donald Trump says he will run for Prime Minister of Canada next 'lection. Americans know this CWDIPICvoDT from that show "Shark Tank" which airs in USA ... he's the bald guy known as Mr. Wonderful (not to be confused with Paul Orndorff). Yes, Baldy O'Leary wants to be Prime Minister.

I understand what South Park is trying to say ... because it is gonna happen to us up here in Canada now with Baldy O'Leary, and.... it's actually not funny at all. It isn't. It's actually fucking embarrassing... and I shouldn't laugh at Trump anymore because South Park is 100% correct ... it's not funny anymore. It's dumb.

This shit is cockamamie. Downright cockamamie! The only word left to use to describe what is going on is COCKAMAMIE!

...Donald Trump is a National Embarrassment to United States of America.

Charisma: 43
Comedic Tact: 105
Professionalism: 3
Trash Talk: 110 (Schlonged....he said, Schlonged. Huh huh huh huh-huh.)

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 65 (D+)
Odds of Becoming President: About 25%


Now the Demos.....


1. Hillary Roadhouse Clinton 

Age: 68
Sex: Female
Background: First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, Member of the Obama Admin.
Race: White
Money People Invested in Her: 188 Million (She got the Fuck Money, baby. Green n' Black!)

Hillary is the "safe" candidate for the Democrats and she has the entire Democratic party and every D-Senator supporting her. She's who they want to battle the Resurrected Zombified Wally George. She has the entire Democratic party on her side.

My Opinion: I don't watch the Dem debates because they are as boring as watching caca dry ... so I don't know much about her comedic tact or trash talk ability. Being a career capitol hill player, she's gonna win the Professionalism category though. She's got experience at this political shit, she do.

I don't think it would be so bad to have a woman as President of It All. I think people worry because some of the precedents in the english-speaking world of Female Presidents have been bad examples.

Canada had a female president for like about a few weeks one time as an interim President after Brian Mulroney slipped on a banana peel and had to retire. She was a bland jabroni.

Britain though, they had a A HUGE JABRONI lady as President. They had that Margaret Thatcher witch ... who was basically the human equivalent of fucking DRACULA! That Dracula lady from Britain made it so a woman wasn't president of a country for a long time because everyone thought she was an evil blood sucking demon from the under-world.

Hillary is not Dracula. She's not very similar to Margaret Thatcher at all. She's a smart lady. She's got the jack. She would be a decent President. She's the safest and least insane route at this current juncture by all stretches of reason.


Charisma: 84 (she carry herself, she dignified when she carry herself, no doubt)
Comedic Tact: 43
Professionalism: 99
Trash Talk: 57

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 71 (C)
Odds of Becoming President: About 60%



2. Feel Da Bern Sanders!

Age: 74
Sex: Male
Background: Vermont
Race: Vermont
Money People Invested in Him: 97 million

It's the College Campus Pick to Click now that Rondolf Paul doesn't run his kook-fests anymore and his jabroni son Randolf Paul refused to say things as kooky as his dad did and has gone off to obscurity.

The Berninator is Berninating the countryside in the coveted Northern All-White No-Minority Liberal-Art-Degree-Having States and posing a major-enough threat to the safety of Hillary's campaign for Democratic Nominee.

He's already seized New Hampshire and installed his revolutionary fortifications there.

Will he be able to over-come insurmountable odds and become President of the United States of America.....?

My Opinion: Look, let me pre-face, okay?

America has a joke that Canada is the 51st State of the United States. It's a decent joke. I guess. On our end we have a similar joke that Vermont is the Whatever-ist Canadian Province (tenth I think, I think we have nine now). Vermont is basically a small Ontario town. Everyone's boring, everyone's pretty white, and the lameness is like off-the-charts!

Vermont is a slightly larger version of Scarborough Ontario ... in a cultural sense.

Thus, since Canada has a cultural claim to Vermont and Vermont is culturally technically a Canadian Province ... then once again ... just like in the case of Ted Cruz ... I have a loop-hole in which I can go FULL Akuma Cho-Jin Number One FORCE in my making fun of Bernard Sanders...

...because in a technical sense he's Canadian. Sorta.

He's more popular in Canada than he is in America. You can't go out or go online without meeting a Sanders Fan in Canada. Canada fucking loves this old bald guy.

Bernie's odds to win the Democratic Nominee were never very good. In fact they were quite terrible since the start. He's never been forecasted by anyone with political statistic street-cred to do well in this shit.

He's always been a self-fashioned "outsider" who revels in hating the Democratic Party. He never agrees with them, he doesn't work well with the other Democrat kids on capitol hill, he's basically an old grumpy man. 

He's spent his life hating on the Democratic Party ... and now all of a sudden he snaps his fingers and wants to be the leader of the party he fucking hates.

It's like if Fred Flintstone walked into a meeting of the Water Buffaloes ... just started talking shit to them and telling them he hates the Water Buffaloes and they are losers and crooks and that he's 100 times smarter than all of them.... telling them they should all be in jail and hung from their toes ...

...and then Fred Flintstone turns around and says to them all "Okay, I wanna be Grand Poobah of the Water Buffaloes" right after doing that... you think he's gonna be elected Poobah? No of course not.

He's losing the Super Delegates almost in a clean sweep because no one in the Democratic Party wants him to be their Poobah. At all.

I like this man, I really do.... but there's one thing about him that is very strange. He makes a big deal that he has raised 100 million dollars for this campaign.... which is a fucking lot of fucking money ... but, it is strange because he BRAGS that it's "poor" "working class" "families" that invested 100 million dollars in his campaign. The thing that's odd about this is ...


A) He never really ever had any concrete chance of being the Democratic Nominee ... so why waste 100 million dollars of working class families money for to try and be the Democratic Nominee?

B) His main platform is to tell everyone how corrupt the system is ... and what's his solution? To siphon more tax money from citizens into the system. How is that a sane solution? Why go on about how corrupt the system is if your solution is to raise the taxes of everyone in order to pump more of their money into what you're constantly calling a corrupt government system?

If your main goal is to raise everyone's taxes and collect more funds into the government ... then why make your main campaign talking point - how corrupt the government is!? Where did he go to campaign school? On the moon? He's saying basically ... "The system is corrupt so let's take more money from people and put it into this corrupt system." It's a very poorly presented campaign. It might be the worst ran campaign in American History.


(actually no, Jeb's 2016 is by far the worst ran campaign in American Elections History).

There's charities out there, you know. People who gave money to Sanders should have given that "27 Dolluuuurs" to a homeless guy in the street or a respected charity. That 100 million dollars he raised is basically flushed down the toilet in one of the worst ran campaigns in American History. If you wanted to use 100 million dollars to help the poor people in America maybe you people should have gave that 100 million dollars to the poor people of America and not a very old Bald Man to run a highly lackluster political campaign.

What did his campaign get with the 100 million dollars people invested into it? A dinner with Al Sharpton? A couple television commercials? It wasn't a very impactful campaign that he ran. His cost-effiency for dollars-to-delegate ratio is fucking bad ... and it's not rich people's money wasted in this case. It was down to earth hard working people's money that was wasted to run a "Mr Smith Goes to Washington" campaign when everyone else was running a carnival side-show.

I guess I'm just a bad person or something and a bad Canadian ... because I'm not "feeling the Bern" at all.


Charisma: 21
Comedic Tact: 27
Professionalism: 31
Trash Talk: 61

Aggregate Presidential Rating: 35 (F-)
Odds of Becoming President: About 0.0001%


Conclusion

Trump (Cdn)
If I wrote this without seeing that episode of South Park where a Canadian-Version of Trump becomes the Leader of Canada ... I probably would have ended it something like ...

"Woah, it would be funny if Donald actually wins. Heee heeeee....."

But, they made too many good points on that show and now I'm gonna end this way-too-long article like this ...

...Donald Trump should not be the leader of The United States of America. I think many residents of that beautiful and wonderful country would be embarrassed by a man, who's making a mockery of them, becoming their representative in Global Affairs. 

I think Trump as President would be a Disaster.

...and....

You know what WALLY? You know what!?

Stay in yer seat, Wally.
Stay in yer seat, Wally....

STAY IN YOUR SEAT WALLY!

 Because You're a Disgrace to the Conservative Cause, Wally.







End Note (March 04 / 2016): After binge-watching a shit-ton of old Wally George Hot Seat over the last month or so ... I really should go and amend  an article entitled "General Retrospective: Who Will be Remembered as The King of Trash TV?" ... I should give a lot more credit to Wally George instead of just a slight mention. That show is soooo fucking funny and the set-decor is outstanding. From the Nixon shrine to the photo of John Wayne ... but the most beautiful piece of set-decor I've ever seen on a talk show is this wall hanging:


 It's in almost every shot because it's right behind Wally's desk and it's so perfect. It's so simple yet so true. If this is up for auction somewhere as an artifact/relic I hope it sells for a million bucks. I do.

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