Hi, my name is D and this is my writings on subjects. I'm no rapscallion or anything at all. If you want to you can read my writings on subjects if you have free time. If you want to argue with me or call me names then please comment. Negative feedback is very welcome...I love dat shit. Me? I'm not even a noun, I'm a fucking verb, dude.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Great Moments in Literature 4: Leroy's Momma!

I've done a couple of essays called "Great Moments in Literature" in the last year or two. One was about Bob Backlund, one about Stan Gable and then one about Piccolo.

Past "Great Moments in Literature" :

1. Bob Backlund

2. Stan Gable

3. Piccolo

They all share the same thread of characters in media who's character-growth throughout their respective stories have been very interesting, unique and fun to follow.



I want to do another one, I've been reading some articles lately on the net which would be categorized as "feminist film reviews" I guess you'd call them...and I find this style of article writing to be really strange. The writers (95% of the time are females)....will review movies...but not in the traditional sense...they will review a movie but only in regards to how it deals with current buzzwords they care about and which buzzwords are currently popular at universities and other "fun" environments they frequent.

So the review of any movie in that style will go something along the lines of....

"There was four instances of -Damsel in Distress- within the first hour of this film which tipped me off that this movie was not going to be any good. It made some headway when it briefly depicted an Independent Woman in the scene out by the warehouse....yet that glimmer of hope didn't last long. Right after the warehouse scene there's a -TRIGGER WARNING-....a long -rape- scene which even goes as far as to use this rape scene as the entire sub plot for the remainder of the film. I give this movie zero stars out of 5."

-(hypothetical review of a movie in a university/college type of style)

The final review in this new style doesn't seem based on if they enjoyed the film or if they found it to be a well made film....but they base the final review on whether certain buzz concepts which are popular at colleges were adequately dealt with by the film makers.

Now, not to be rude but, this is kinda fucking stupid. The criterion for whether a human enjoys a movie they just watched should be based on whether they enjoyed the film or not. People shouldn't be watching entertainment media to see if it is conforming to current political correctness buzzwords. That takes the whole fun away from watching movies.

These buzzwords are silly too. They are semantically variable to the extent that any movie could be subjected to these nonsensical concepts and deemed not to conform to them. For instance, say I take this review-writing style and apply it to the film Saving Private Ryan.....

"In this film, within the first moments we are introduced to a -Damsel in Distress- situation in which Mat Damon is kidnapped by interlopers and held captive against his will. Typically, the heroic hero played by Chet Hanks has to come to the rescue of this poor damsel and save the day. -TRIGGER WARNING- Chet Hanks and his posse resort to murder to solve their problems and kill the men holding Matt Damon hostage. What is this saying to kids? That murder is the right way to solve your problems? I can't believe this. Oh and Matt Damon? How can you reduce yourself to portraying a Damsel in Distress? How low have you sunk? I give Saving Private Ryan zero stars out of five."

(-hypothetical review of Saving Private Ryan written in college-style)

That above review is actually technically true...but....it's a very distorted take on that film. Most people who saw that movie would call Matt Damon a Prisoner of War and not a Damsel in Distress...and most people would condone of the murder of stinky nazis in order to save that Prisoner of War. Everyone would see it that way...except those looking through the eyes of modern day college students.

 It's all just buzzwords this shit.

The other thing that bugs me about it is that everyone is flipping over these Hunger Games movies...which I've never seen so I don't know much to comment on them. I'm just gonna comment on the reaction to these films. Everyone is raving and raving about these Hunger whats-its. They're making it out to be like this is the first time a female has ever been heroic in a movie before. Like this movie has broken some sort of mold and is historic in nature. Yeah right. It hasn't broken any mold whatsoever.

Go watch Kill Bill for fuck's sake. Uma Thurman was fucking dudes up in that movie...like 88 of 'em at a time...with a samurai sword and she was doing that way before that Hunger Games kid was doing whatever it is she does in her movie.

I think maybe the main reason the females (and even some dudes who want to impress the females) at these universities are so uptight about watching movies....is because they simply don't watch the right movies! You just watch shitty movies, that's all. Watch some fucking good movies for a change.

The kind of movies I watch have lots and lots of bad female chicks in them, usually. Chicks who always fuck dudes up. When I was reading articles of people saying that the Hunger Games is providing audiences with the first heroic female of all time.... I was like, No Way Jose... my mind raced to powerful female women I've seen in good movies before. Kill Bill's Beatrice Kiddo was one of them....but do you know what the FIRST name my brain thought of when it thought of bad ass heroic female heroes in film?

Gail Neely.

Who, you're asking? You don't know who that is? Of course you don't, you just watch these mainstream movies that suck dick all week....you wouldn't know who Gail Neely is! I am talking about Leroy's Momma!

 Momma Washington!




Eleanor Washington: The Baddest Momma


...Only one person is powerful enuff, brave enuff, daring enuff to stop them.

....Only one person can ensure that Surf Nazis.....MUST DIE!

She's Tuff! She's Dangerous! SHE IS ALL WOMAN!

She's Leroy's Momma......and as long as she's ALIVE....the Surf Nazis.....MUST DIE!!!!!!!

Come taste Momma's cooking....ya dirty Surf Nazis!!!

Film: Surf Nazis Must Die

Synopsis: California's gang wars spiral out of control after an earthquake leads the state into a prolonged depression. The police cannot combat the gang warfare and simply give up. One gang wins the gang wars and takes claim of the entire state of California and that gang is....the dreaded Surf Nazis and all tremble at their power and cruelty.

One man, engineer Leroy Washington, who has devoted his life to rebuilding California back to it's pre-earthquake state runs afoul with the Surf Nazis on his way to work. After trying to fight them, outnumbered by a vast margin, the valiant Leroy is murdered by those terrible and cruel Surf Nazis.

Just another person murdered unjustly by the most dangerous gang in California....like so many others before him. The sate of California is truly in shambles. It is crippled and in shambles...total shambles.

Meanwhile, at a local elderly care residence, a woman sits by herself. She is old and living out the last of her days in peace at this old folk's home by smoking cigars and gambling with the other old ladies. She is happy and proud that her son has vowed to bring California back from economic and social collapse using his mastery of engineering. Yet woe is to be her upon hearing of her son Leroy's untimely death at the hands of.....Surf Nazis.

Eleanor Washington is a nice woman without a pinch of malice in her entire body. She is the quintessential Momma....she's sweet, nice, a great cook, with a loving warm embrace and gentle smile. A true Mother in every sense of the word.

Yet, what is a Mother with no child? How can she go on living out her lonely days in the old folk's home with no son to be proud of? No offspring to carry on her legacy? No child to call her own? The simple answer to her heart wrenching questions is that she can not.

A weaker mother may have commited suicide....but Eleanor? She doesn't want to stop living. No. She wants the scum who murdered her son TO STOP LIVING! Our Hero bursts out of her old folk's home like a woman possessed....in order to commence her mission....her mission of....

.....Destroying every last one of those filthy Surf Nazis!


Greatest Female Hero in Media History?

What is the hallmark and pinnacle of being a Woman? There are those that say that it is being a good and loving Mother....that is what makes a woman a Hero.

Yet there's also those who claim the pinnacle and hallmark of womanhood is standing up for what's right and killing Nazi Surfers.

These two schools of thought on what makes a Woman a Hero seem dialectically opposed on the surface....but the question is begged on this matter...what if a Woman can be Both?

GAT + SPEEDBOAT = NAZI KILLIN' MACHINE!
What if a woman has all the traits of a Victorian mother figure. Super Nurturing, Super Loving, and makes Great Food.

but.....

What if she also possesses the traits of a Surf Nazi Killing Machine? Able to ride motorcycles, shoot guns with deadly accuracy, able to ride shotgun on a speedboat while picking off fleeing Surf Nazis with her trusty Gat?

Would it not then be sound of mind to declare the character who possess both skill sets set out by both schools of thought on the matter of what it takes to be a heroic woman....to be the greatest female hero in all of media?

This argument seems sound to me.


Conclusion

Lots of questions were raised here, so let's recap.

Is Gail Neely the Greatest Female Hero in All of Media? YES, she beats out Uma Thurman, Pam Grier, Xena, and others for the honor and distinction as such....Yes.

Do College Kids Know how to Watch Movies? No. They watch movies poorly. They don't watch movies to enjoy them or to be edified by them. They watch movies so they can try and apply silly things they learned in school to entertainment data in order to attempt to feel intelligent.

Do College Kids Watch the Right Movies? No. They watch crappy movies and wouldn't even know a good movie if they actually did accidentally watch a good movie. Their brains probably wouldn't even be able to code a good movie into memories because they are too stupid.

Did the Hunger Games create the first Woman Hero? Nope. I'm pretty sure chicks like Joan D'Arc, Beatrice Kiddo....and that bad bad bad, shut yo mouth, bad, bad, BAD, BAD Momma Eleanor Washington were being bad ass way before Hunger Games came out.

That skinny blonde girl from Hunger Games is not the first positive heroic female role model of all time. If figurative push ever came to hypothetical shove and her character had to fight Gail Neely's character (or even Uma's character) in a fantasy match....I would bet good money that Momma Washington would fuck that lady up! One Hundred and Ten Percent....fuck that lady up!


Anyways.....College Kids, start watching better movies....and stop taking movies so seriously? Okay? Movies are just movies.


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